“The Bachelorette” Season 9, Episode 9: In which Carly & Sarah use gifs because hour 1 was boring and hour 2 got dark.

Hour 1 – Carly 

Well friends, it’s been a short ride for us recappers, and it’s already coming to a close. This season, Harrison is packaging the sex dates episode as part one of a SUPES dramatic two part finale, so it looks like things are about to get cray. Lot’s of crying in the promos. Before we can dive into that, though, we need to remember all the other times people have cried this season. Like Brian and his very bad actress serious girlfriend, Brydon and his under developed feelings, and James and his roid rage/dreams of being the meatiest bachelor in history.

But it’s all hunky dory now, as Desiree has one dude she’s already in love with, one dude she wants to have sex with, and Drew.

Des has taken the final three dudes to Antigua, and the first one to get the overnight date is Drew. I say “overnight date” and not “sex date” because I feel like 90-95% sure that sweet, gorgeous Drew has the genitals of a Ken Doll. After some sightseeing and some photos, Drew and Des are off to some sort of street festival, for the requisite ethnic portion of the afternoon. There’s a hilarious old man who makes them a heart and a rose and then apparently gets possessed by one of the audience members of the Men Tell All as he demands, “KISS. KISS. INTENSE.”

“More tongue. Make it hotter.” -Antigua local creepster

After putting on a pretty lukewarm show for the sex crazed local, Drew and Des sit atop a hill and talk about how great his family was. Snooze. They make out and Drew calls her his soul mate. LOL.

Des had a romantic dinner planned, but the rain washed it away, so now we all have to pretend that these two are a couple of goddamn heroes for not being devastated by natural elements. They head straight to the fantasy suite, so I guess we’re not going to even bother with dinner before these two get to dry humping. After getting the logistics of whether or not they’ll stay in the suite (they will) they talk a bit about THE FUTURE. Drew says he was ready to propose weeks ago, even though it could be argued that weeks ago falls before this show even started since they’ve known each other for only a hot minute.

Then the cameras are sent to leave, and Desiree whispers “it’s so hot in here” and I think there was a hint of a moan so either Drew actually has some stuff after all, or the editors are just fucking with everyone. Either way, gross.

We’re back in Salt Lake City with Brooks, as he is seeking the counsel of his mother and sister to decide whether or not he should bone Des tell Des he loves her.  There have been ups and downs, and he’s shying away from the L word and from popping the question, which should be 100% normal since they’ve known each other for two months, but in the bass-ackwards world of “The Bachelorette,” it’s treated as earth shattering. His fam tells him to be honest with Des, and honest with himself. Deece advice.

But of course, we won’t get that reveal until hour two, so Sarah will be left to deal with the emotional fallout. As for now, it’s Chris’s turn to hang with Des in Antigua. Chris is “truly, madly, deeply [SHOUT OUT TO SAVAGE GARDEN] in love” with Desiree, and these two seems to have really good chemistry, but because he’s not constantly negging her like Brooks, he continues to not hold a candle in her eyes.

They take a chopper to a more remote island for a a little talk about family, and a lot of rolling around in the sand. She loved his family, he loves her, they have sexual chemistry. If only he liked her just a little less, then these two might just have a shot.

It’s dinner time and future time. Chris has a good job and a good life in Seattle, and he sees himself having a family there. Des seems pretty wishy-washy as she says that California is her home, but that when she’s in love she sacrifices things. This type of language doesn’t really make it sound like she’s dying to head northwest, but Chris doesn’t seem to care for nuance, as he pronounces this a clear victory.

And now it’s time for them to “get to know each other better” in the fantasy suite. But before we can get down to shenanigans, OF COURSE Chris has to read another fucking poem. TAKE A BREAK, CHRIS. Blah blah blah. Pool. Make out times. Rose petals. Stars. No gross sound effects this time, even though things FOR SURE got weird in that pool.

Hour 2 – Sarah 

I’m coming into this last hour totally blind, but the plinkety music that plays over B-roll of Antigua sends a chill down my spine nonetheless. I missed the first hour of the show because I had a very important engagement tonight that I couldn’t miss (ZUMBA CLASS). So go back and read Carly’s half of the recap and picture me doing this as an accompaniment to everything she describes.

Miley-Cyrus-twerking-1

Des puts on the tie-dyed top of DOOOOM that she was wearing while doubled over in emotional agony in the sizzle reel for this season as she VOs about how she is in love with Brooks. Brooks is also VO-ing while he goes about his day, but he’s expressing doubts about his relationship with Des. Uh oh. Des leaves her hotel room and starts walking somewhere, and we watch Brooks head to the front door of his hotel suite and open it, only to find HARRISON!

dun-dun-dunnn

It’s on. Brooks and Harrison head to the terrace so he can explain why he doesn’t see himself marrying Des. Is this because she’s not Mormon? I’m really asking. Brooks and Harrison are squinting the whole time and I wonder if it’s because it’s sunny or they’re both trying to summon the tears. Brooks says he doesn’t know if he’s ready to get married after 6 weeks of dating one woman alongside 25 other suitors, followed around by cameras all the while. In the real world he would have a point, but HAS HE SEEN THE SHOW? That’s literally the whole premise!

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If you’re going to show up for “The Bachelorette,” you are expected to fall in love with the titular character. IT’S CALLED BEING THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

Harrison tries to get Brooks to stick around at least for the fantasy suite. Back off, Harrison. He looks disappointed in Brooks, but at no point does he reveal the actual hot goss, which is that Des has wanted to pick Brooks basically the whole time. You’d think that would be valuable info, but Harrison is a Sphinx. He also gets really aggro about getting Brooks to describe what love feels like, like he doesn’t believe him when he says he’s not in love with Desiree. Harrison needs to check himself. He hasn’t had to work this hard all season and he’s going way too hard on this heart 2 heart. He even accuses Brooks of being afraid to commit because his parents are divorced. NOOOO HE DID NOT!

david-robinson

To his credit, Brooks looks really uncomfortable about letting things get this far. After all, Zak could be here right now if he had made this confession a few episodes earlier (not that Zak’s chances for everlasting love would have been any better, because ultimately this show is meaningless, just like all of our lives in the grand scheme of the universe, probably). Harrison declares that it’s time for Brooks to tell Des he doesn’t want to marry her, because Brooks is a MAN. Yeah boyyyeeeeeeee!

HIGH-FIVE-BRO

Brooks continues to hedge. He clarifies that he’s not in love with Desiree ENTIRELY, though he wants to be. He just needed a free vacation to Antigua to make sure. I get it. I often let other people pay for me to make life-changing decisions in a tropical setting. It’s called “Friday night at the Zombie Hut.”

Memories!

Memories!

Meanwhile, Des is a dead woman walking. She looks really pretty and can’t stop talking about how much she likes Brooks and how much she’s looking forward to their relaxing day together. I’m pretty sure I say this every season, but this is so. dark. She meets him in some kind of grove and can clearly tell something is wrong right away, but also clearly doesn’t think it has anything to do with her. They sit down on a bench and Brooks starts mumbling and false-starting about his feelings and his time on the show, and you can see her face just crumble. Brooks has to go all the way back in time to their first date to fully explain why he isn’t in love with her. Short and sweet would almost certainly have been better here.

“I feel you’re a much better person than I am, and that’s good, that’s what I want,” Brooks tells the girl he’s dumping.

eyes-rolled

Side note: I always thought people who described other people with cleft chins as having “butt chins” were being mean and immature, but in Brooks’s case, especially in this scene, it REALLY applies. Brooks tells Des not to cry, and then asks why she’s crying. It’s too bad that Des couldn’t have a better grip on her emotions so that Brooks wouldn’t feel too uncomfortable while he dumped her. I hope she sics her brother on him.

Brooks continues feeling his feelings and Des makes sympathetic noises, but they sound a little sarcastic to me. Atta girl. Des tells Brooks she was going to choose him, and he seems even more freaked out. There’s a merciful commercial break. Desiree says she’s never felt completely loved by anyone, which ought to make Chris and/or Drew feel great when they watch this episode down the line, not to mention Zak. I can hear Carly screaming through the computer. Then Desiree says this:

“I don’t care that you just broke my heart. I love you.”

nope

This goes on forever. Hugging. Crying. Brooks is surprised that Des is so in love with him. Can we safely say that this relationship got killed before it began, specifically because of the constraints of this show as a competition/suspense-based reality program? Or is that TOO META.

Commercials. There’s a promo for ABC’s new Scandal analogue, BETRAYAL, in which a woman who is IN. TOO. DEEP tries to set down a wine bottle full of self pity, misses the countertop, and sinks to the floor in defeat as it shatters. It looks awesome.

Brooks and Des are walking. Brooks says he wasn’t sure about the strength of his relationship with her given that she has two other boyfriends. Des says she has held back from going all in with the other two (…is she talking about the Fantasy Suite?) specifically because she was in love with him. “I’m sorry, I’ll shut up,” Brooks whispers. “I’m not helping.”

That sentiment is short-lived, because they keep walking and Brooks asks “Should I go?”

YES!!!!!!!

In the words of Chris Christie, “Get the hell off the beach. You’ve maximized your tan.” I hope Des goes to a local bar, gets slammered, and takes home the prince of Antigua. Who rules Antigua? Never mind.

Still walking. They hug goodbye. Des basically runs away through the jungle, and I can’t blame her. It would be awesome if she ran straight into the ocean and started splashing around furiously, screaming about betrayal. That’s probably going to be a scene in Betrayal. Instead she sits on the edge of a pier, crying. Elsewhere on the island, Brooks also cries. “Worst day of my life,” he says, and I feel like I know someone who might be able to relate.

cherrymoonprince

Crying. Walking. Regret. Brooks magnanimously expresses the hope that Des will settle for either Chris or Drew, and that they will in turn happily receive his sloppy seconds, because apparently once you commit to this show your only possible shot at happiness is with other people on the show. Des doesn’t seem to be on the same page. “For me, it’s over,” she tells the camera in an interview.

…To be continued. That was really unpleasant to watch. See you for part two of this nightmare, I guess?

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