Apparently the first date card was given out in that completely unnecessary Sunday night behind the scenes episode that no one has time for. It’s Clare! Juan Pablo is excited because Clare is clever. Right, nothing says clever like a grown woman strapping on a fake baby bump in order to prove she’s ready to be a mother.
JP picks Clare up and blindfolds her, so that all she can do during the ride is salivate over how great Juan Pablo smells. That’s not creepy. The surprise date location is a manufactured winter wonderland in the middle of LA. Lots of rolling around in the snow and cuddling and “connecting.”
Back at the mansion, we learn that Lucy is always naked and always the worst. Molly the dog trots in with the next date card. Okay that’s pretty cute. Kelly the occupational dog lover might be growing on me. The date card is another one on one, this time for Kat.
Naturally, there is a Jacuzzi set up in the middle of the fabricated snow. Because pending your first date almost naked in an oversized bath tub is supes normal. Clare is massaging JP in the hot tub and talking about her dead dad. Sexy, sexy times. She’s been closed off, but she’s ready to open up and find someone as awesome as her dad was. JP contributes almost nothing to the conversation besides a few “Mmmm”s, and then offers her the rose. And then they make out.
And as a special gift to Sarah, the producers have not waited to introduce the private concert. I have no idea who this guy is. Where’s Train? I feel like the private concerts are always Train. They manufacture a snow fall and these dumb dumbs act like they don’t know how this miracle happened, as if there isn’t a giant fan and an ice chipper making a ruckus just outside of frame. As viewers we’re willing to suspend belief enough to, say, pretend that love is possible in this nightmare vacuum, but we’re not idiots. It’s a snow machine, and that’s FINE.
Anyway, the point is it was apparently a magical date, and I’m betting Clare makes it at least to top 3.
So now it’s Kat’s, who I have absolutely no memory of, turn to suck face with JP or get sent home.
They’re taking a private jet somewhere. “I could get used to this,” Kat says, dreaming about her jet setting future. I wouldn’t. JP puts on a light up track suit and forces Kat to wear a mini skirt with glow stick piping. OMG JP is taking Kat to a rave! Do you think they’re going to do X? I’ve heard it’s pretty easy to die for no reason on X, so I’m crossing my fingers for some D-R-A-M-A.
Turns out it’s a race? Where everyone carries glow sticks and has neon face paint? And there are black lights everywhere and techno music pumping? And you run/dance your way through a 5K? Can this be right? Am I rolling right now? Either way, JP is loving life because this is as close to a rave as you can get on network prime time, and you know your boy loves a rave. He gives Kat a rose on stage in front of the screaming crowd, despite the fact that they couldn’t have possibly had a real conversation on this date. But you know, she “looks good,” so.
Group date! There are a million people on it. The only ones missing out this week are Sharleen, who is probably relieved, and Amy, who seems devastated. The card says “say cheese,” and dog lover Kelly says that it’s either a photo shoot or they’re going to eat cheese, and she’s good at both. Stop making me like you, dog lover. Lucy flashes the camera. Keep making me hate you, free spirit.
It is, indeed, a photo shoot. Some idiot with a teal beard explains that they are going to be partnered up with dogs (!!!) to create photos for Models n Mutts, an organization that sounds like a beautiful nightmare, and Best Friends Animal Society, an absolutely awesome organization that everyone should give all their money to.
The girls are all being styled to be somehow relevant to their dogs, which means afro wigs, body paint, and nudity, among other things. Andi and Elise are lucky enough to be wardrobed in nothing but a cardboard sign. They are not happy. Andi is a lawyer and Elise is a first grade teacher. Perfect choices. Elise, genius that she is, goes to stupid always naked Lucy (who is dressed as a fire hydrant) and gets her to switch. And then Lucy walks around the block, naked, with a dog. That poor dog.
Elise, who asked to switch, is bitching up a storm about her unflattering fire hydrant costume. Professional Dog lover Kelly, who is wearing a skull cap and full body paint: “wear the fucking hydrant and shut the fuck up. Seriously.” OH NO GUYS KELLY IS MY FAVORITE WHAT HAPPENED?!
Andi snags some alone time with JP thanks to her discomfort with being naked. He’s actually very comforting and sweet and not as creepy as he’s been so far (see 1000 mentions of how hot everyone is). She, Lucy and JP do the nude shot, where JP can’t contain his grin or his boner. Thanks, black censor bar!
After party. Cassandra, the 21-year-old retiree and NBA player’s baby mama is ready to tell JP about her 2-year-old son. He takes the news super well, of course, because he loves babies and wants like a million of them.
Speaking of baby mamas, Renee is next, talking about writing notes to her kid and then basically begging Juan Pablo to kiss her. It doesn’t work.
Victoria is suuuuper drunk. sweet Nikki, the pediatric nurse, tries to nicely tell her to quit being such a waste case, which she responds to by saying “I’m just fun sober!” That checks out.
Nikki knows a lost cause when she sees one, and abandons Victoria for some one-on-one time. Juan Pablo likes that she takes care of kids for a living and that she’s nice to look at. They’re having a nice chat about marriage and family, and sloppy, sloppy Victoria wanders up in her bikini. She also refers to the Heimlich maneuver as the “hymen maneuver.” TAKE A BREATHER, GIRL.
She stares out the window at JP and Nikki, then quickly declines into an emotional breakdown. She’s in the bathroom sobbing, as a sober, motherly Renee goes above and beyond, sliding under the stall door to try to calm her down. That doesn’t work, and soon Victoria is flailing around the hotel – still in a bikini – screaming about how she’s going home. This is amazing.
After a futile attempt from JP to talk to Victoria, he gives the rose to the person who was the best sport of the day… Kelly. I mean I’m happy because Kelly, despite her fake job, is all real all the time, but I thought that was Andi’s for the taking. Also we never got to see Kelly’s one on one time! Was it magical? We’ll never know! He then asks the ladies to make sure drunk mess Victoria gets home, and bids them adieu.
Little Vicci is looking reeeeal sheepish the next morning as she greets Juan Pablo at a hotel, where she was whisked to after her breakdown. She sort of apologizes, but doesn’t seem to mean it. She mostly blames it on the fact that she feels things too much. To his credit, Juan Pablo is like “Hi I’m an adult with a child and you’re a super messy 24 year old SOOOO” and kicks her to the curb.
Cocktail party! Juan Pablo grabs Amy first, since she didn’t get a date that week. She gets all schticky and mimes holding a microphone and conducts a fake interview. Oh cool. Using your fake reporter voice and asking him what he thinks about you? That seems like a cool way to get to know someone!
Sharleen is next, and she’s worried that she came off rude when he gave her the rose last week. I mean probably, but also it was great. He seems surprised that she feels a little intimidated in their one-on-one time. They talk more, I assume, but since it’s presumably a non-dramatic, normal, adult conversation we don’t get to see it.
Cassandra is crying about missing her son and feeling unsure if it’s worth it to stay. Renee, MVP of the week, is once again serving as the in house shrink, trying to talk her off the ledge and convince her to stay and at least give it a shot. Renee, you’re too nice for this show.
JP finds them and has a talk with Cassandra, telling her that he understands, and that he will let her know immediately if he’s not feeling it since he respects the situation. But he clearly still has a bonie for her and how much of a loving mom she is, so she’ll stick around for now.
Rose ceremony! Decisions must be made, and they will not be easy. Thanks, JP, for that groundbreaking revelation. Cassandra. Nikki. Andi. Elise. Sharleen. Renee. Danielle. (who??) Lucy. (ugh) Alison (?) Chelsie. Lauren. (seriously are these all brand new people?) aaand the final rose goes to Christy. Who ever that is. That means that Chantel and Amy the reporter are Audi 5000.
Next week: JP kisses ladies and other ladies get mad!
End tag: Kelly has Molly the dog in all sorts of accessories. Is there anything better than a dog wearing accessories?
No. No there is not. Call me a flip flopper – I’m Team Kelly/Molly forever.