HOUR 1: SARAH
Juany Pabs, it’s 2014 and I’ve seen your tongue enter at least three other girls’ mouths. Maybe your New Year’s resolution should have been to be less judgy wudgy.
The latest episode is already doing JP no favors, as he’s chosen Cassandra, the super young retired NBA dancer with a child, for his next one-on-one date. Age ain’t nothing but a number, sure, but he’s 32! She’s 21, and seems like a young 21 at that (I haven’t forgotten last week, when she said she calls her mother ten times a day, and Juan Pablo shouldn’t either).
Cassandra says she hasn’t had a first date since she was 18 years old, which was three years ago. That’s nothing. That’s like me saying “I haven’t had a glass of wine since last year,” a meaningless distinction. #JuanuaryIsAlsoDrynuary
Juan Pablo drives their Jeep into a lake. Nailed it! JK, they don’t crash, it’s a boat car, and I want one.
Back at the house, Renee and Elise (I think?) talk about her mother’s untimely death. Renee is a sweetheart and Elise seems nice and that is a terrible thing to have to go through, but WHERE IS MOLLY? All “back at the house” footage should include Molly. Does no one care about her journey to find love???
Cassandra and Juan Pablo have ditched the boat car and are frolicking in the water, and then the next thing I know they are back at…casa del Juan? Smooth moves. JP notes that Camila is spending the night at his parents’ place, so I guess it’s going down. Cassandra says again that this is her first date in three years. Yeah. Because you had a BABY with the last guy. This is not shocking! Will this first date also end in procreation?
Cassandra and Juan Pablo are eating chocolate. She says AGAIN that she hasn’t been on a first date in three years. JP is charmed and wants to see pictures of her kid, who is super cute. His eyes light up at the thought of how many fertile years Cassandra has ahead of her. Look, Cassandra seems nice enough, but maybe not super smart and also a bit dead behind the eyes? She’s so oddly reserved (yet giggly) that when she says that she’s super into Juan Pablo, it’s with the same inflection you might use to say that your soup is the right temperature. As in she is the essence of lukewarm.
Now we’re at a soccer stadium. Juan Pablo is really excited to be there with the members of the LA Galaxy. They seem pretty cute — the rest of the girls should pair off with those dudes! Maybe there’s one who’s right for Sharleen. Now that I know that JP harbors such outdated views on gay parents, he is no longer worthy of her. Andi marvels that they’re here with the LA Galaxy in the same stadium where David Beckham played, and does a serviceable job pretending that a producer didn’t just tell her who the LA Galaxy was.
Also, I would just like to say that despite knowing how craven and desperate adding a glorified “Bachelor” clip show is on ABC’s part, I’ve been sucked in EVERY SUNDAY THUS FAR. This show now steals three hours of my life every week, and if they added a fourth I fear that I would not be able to resist. I am Chris Harrison’s slave.
The girls have been divided into teams and forced to ineptly play soccer. Cool matching gold sports bras and eye black, ladies. It was definitely important that you all be wearing the same bra, or else who would have been able to tell what team you were on???
The girls play with the vigor of people who have been told that their ability to play soccer has a direct correlation with their appeal as potential life partners. One of the teams “wins,” but I don’t know who because this game has no meaning! The universe is infinite and no one cares!
The producers are saving their pennies by making everyone stay at the stadium for the cocktail party. Juan Pablo and Andi literally make out in the back of a BEER AND WINGS stand. That would certainly make me feel like a princess. Back at the house, Chelsie the science educator gets the second one on one date card, and I saw bungee jumping in the preview for the episode so that must be her date. Statistically the people who go on the bungee jumping/rapelling off of an office building dates go far. Chelsie just became a dark horse. Elise is probably not a scholar of “The Bachelor” like I am, but she nonetheless can feel the dark horse-y vibes in the air and responds by being rude about Chelsie’s age/perceived maturity. Not a good look, especially when “I am the same age as a senior in college and I only go on one date every three years but CURVEBALL I get pregnant every time!” Cassandra is running around.
Meanwhile, Sharleen is laying down solid gold game on the middle of the soccer pitch, being all withholding with her make-outs and pretty in her dress. Juan Pablo is eating it up, as are Carly and I.
And with that, the group date is done. I leave you now in Carly’s capable hands. Remember, even though Juan Pablo is a bigot, he can’t sully #Juanuary. It’s bigger than him. It’s bigger than all of us.
HOUR 2: CARLY
As we learned in hour 1, it’s Chelsie’s turn to go on a one on one date with the homophobic (worst case scenario) or just really really ignorant and stupid (best case scenario) Juan Pablo.
As Chelsie preps for her big night out, Elise spends more time freaking out about how young Chelsie is, and how she is not ready to be a mom. I don’t know what Chelsie has been doing to inspire such rage from Elise, but based on her intensity, I’m assuming it was a lot of not being potty trained/throwing spaghetti on the walls.
After jamming to some Venezuelan tunes in the car, Juan Pabs takes Chelsie to a restaurant to snack on some ‘Zuelan grub. JP interviews roughly a thousand times about trust and what it symbolizes for a relationship, so it should come as no surprise that they’ll be throwing themselves from some great height tonight.
In fact, they are going to be bungee jumping off of Pasadena’s Colorado Street Bridge. Which, based on a quick Google/Wikipedia search, seems like a GREAT place to risk one’s life.
It doesn’t take long for Chelsie to start crying, for which I definitely do not blame her. The view down made my stomach drop, and I’m seeing it from the safety of my house and in my comfies.
JP says “It’s OK” and “I’m here,” as if either of those sentiments will mean anything if the rope snaps.
To his (very minimal) credit, Juan Pablo at least seems to mean it when he says that it doesn’t matter if they jump or not. This is a refreshing change from Sean “prove your love by eating bugs/swimming through a dark cave/diving into ice cold water” Lowe. Despite his assurances, however, Chelsie knows the power of the leap of faith metaphor, and finally gives in and jumps off. They make out while they hang upside down, and JP thinks Chelsie is great, just like JP thinks everyone else is great. JP loves lamp.
The dinner date is set in Pasadena’s City Hall. Juan Pablo’s biggest fear is not being a good role model for his daughter. LOL, that ship has so sailed, Juanny Pabs.
Chelsie’s biggest fear is not being happy, which is why she went against her dentist/doctor family’s wishes to become a teacher. That makes her maternal, according to Juan Pablo, because he’s not very smart. And then JP gives Chelsie the rose, and some other stuff happens, but I can’t really get into specifics because Sarah and I were both using Google translator to figure out how to say “Juan Pablo clearly just wants to get it in” in Spanish, since duh.
Then there’s a private concert. It’s Billy Currington, and it’s fun, upbeat country, rather than slow overly romantic songs, which Sarah, in-house critic of private concerts calls “less terrible, but still a fate worse than death.” They dance and seem to be having fun.
Back at the house, the ladies are sleeping, Molly looks great, BTW. JP is sneaking in to make them Venezuelan breakfast, A.K.A. to scope out what they look like without makeup.
Kelly is up first because the dog needs a walk. Kelly is embarrassed and runs away so that JP can’t get a good look. Molly is like, I IS WHAT IS IS and what I IS IS PERFECT.
Renee comes downstairs and is just happy to see JP and doesn’t care about how she looks because she’s the only normal person in this place. Everyone else appears to be warned by Kelly and comes down in a bra and full makeup.
After breakfast, Juan Pablo announces that instead of a cocktail party he’s going to throw a pool party. Thank god I’m never going to be on this show. I’d get so sunburned.
Sharleen is over the cameras. She’s feeling weird, or she’s drunk. It’s hard to tell. Either way she’s crying. JP comforts her by making out with her, while all the other girls look on with rage.
Clare is having a hard time because she “actually really likes Juan Pablo” unlike everyone else, of course. House mom Renee, once again, is stepping into the house shrink role to try to talk yet another emotional housemate off a ledge.
Once she’s gathered herself, Clare gets some alone time with JP. She’s already so bronze. Ugh. I hope the bachelor franchise offers health insurance, because I’m real concerned about the prevalence of melanoma that must stem from 6 weeks in the mansion. Anyway, she tells Juan Pablo that she’s concerned that he’s forgotten about her, and he tells her she’s pretty so don’t worry – everything is back on track and love is real.
OK rose ceremony. JP loves that he got to see the ladies from pajamas, to bikinis to gowns. Because he does not like surprises, and by surprises I mean bad skin. The roses go to… Andi, Renee, Kelly (and Molly – hey girl!), Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Allison, Clare and Lauren. Chris Harrison final rose announcement and then… Danielle! Oh man! I thought Lucy the garbage person/free spirit/nightmare human would sneak by for another week! If Juan Pablo hadn’t revealed himself as a homophobic nightmare human himself this week, this choice might give me hope for him.
So we are losing some blonde girl who wore sequined formal shorts to the rose ceremony so let’s not even bother, and Lucy, who is now happily and (presumably) nakedly dating a Snapchat founder.