“The Bachelor” Season 18, Episode 4: Juandam Style

OK so real quick before we dive into tonight’s episode: Sean and Catherine’s wedding. Chris Harrison is for real the pimp to Sean’s john. Like, how many times can we allude to Sean and Catherine retiring to their marital bed to get down? The answer is roughly a million. The end tag was two full minutes of porn music, sirens and animal mating calls over a lingering shot of the Honeymoon Suite.

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Promo: “The Bachelor in South Korea: Juandam Style.” BRB, re-evaluating all life choices that have led me to a career that is not coming up with Juan puns all day.

All right let’s do this. Juanny Pabs is moping around because traveling the world on ABC’s dime means saying goodbye to his daughter. Camila is equally upset, but for different reasons. She has a wedgie.

Harrison tells the girls that there will be two group dates and one one-on-one date… in South Korea. Cue ears bleeding. They have an hour to pack, and Clare is upset that she doesn’t have a kimono. Cool generalization!

I remember once on America’s Next Top Model, the front runner didn’t have a passport and it was really dramatic. I wish that would happen here. Wouldn’t it be fun to insert a little bureaucracy and watch one of these idiots try to figure out how to expedite a government document?

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Unfortunately even the 21-year-old has a passport on hand, so my dreams are dead, and all 22342309890 remaining contestants successfully make it to South Korea.

The first date card is for a group date, and Nikki is complaining a lot about wanting one-on-one time, so we all know she’ll be the last name on the card. Joining her are Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle and Kat.

For their date, JP is taking them to a studio to take dance lessons with the band 2ne1, who Juan Pablo describes as the Spice Girls of korea. puh-lease. The Spice Girls are the Spice Girls of Korea. The Spice Girls are universal. The soulless faces of 2ne1 talk about their passions as they stare into the camera with dead eyes. Speaking of passions, Kat is thrilled because she’s been dancing since before she could walk. CONTROVERSIAL OPINION ALERT: I’m not sure that’s possible.

Kat is really working it during the rehearsals. And while she is undoubtedly a good dancer, she’s being a real snob about it. Like, Cassandra is actually a professional dancer (at least she was, until she reached her golden years and had to retire and start the slow march to death), and she’s not telling other people what to do. The band comes in and tells them that they are going to be joining them on stage at their upcoming show.

The show, as it turns out, is a mall concert. While the mall is actually packed and does indeed confirm that 2ne1 is pretty famous in South Korea, it is still a mall concert. Can’t imagine these girls’ definition of MAKING IT was performing for a free crowd of people sipping on orange juliuses.

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The actual performance was quick and fairly painless. Most of the girls looked like they were just rocking out and having fun and not worrying so much about actually hitting the moves. Kat desperately tried to become the 5th 2ne1-er. Nikki looked miserable the whole time.

For the cocktail party, JP has taken the women to a Korean Furniture Museum. Very cool, very normal date spot. There’s a rose, and Kat is being intense about it. She’s more than fun and games, she tells JuanPabs, launching into a sad story about her parents divorcing, and her dad’s alcoholism. She pretends to be a good time girl because she’s scared about being vulnerable. Wouldn’t it be crazy to see some one-on-one time where the bachelor and his date just talked about what kind of music they like?

Nikki is aggressively shit talking and making everyone feel uncomfy. I feel sad, because I was totes on board with Nikki and gave her my metaphorical first impression rose. Elise seems drunk and a little slurry in her one-on-one time, as she tells JP that she’s here for the right reasons, even though SOME WOMEN aren’t.

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Nikki, meanwhile, is an ace game player. She oh-so-sweetly tells Juan Pablo that she was out of her element today, because she’s just a NORMAL GAL, and she would just love to meet Camila, because have you heard she works with children? She even mentions that she’s a great diaper changer, and I hope she’s talking about their future children and not Camila because girlfriend is def too old for diapers and a pediatric nurse should know that. The song and dance is enough for JP, who go gets the rose, much to everyone else’s rage, and gives it (and a lot of tongue) to Nikki.

Sharleen got the one-on-one for the week, and JP says that she is his ‘favorite one right now.’ What a beautiful sentiment. Sharleen says he’s fun, but that she doesn’t know if he’s the one for her. This is the stuff dreams are made of!

They go to a farmers market to shop a bit and eat some weird foods. All the while Sharleen continues to give JP incredulous looks as he stares at her dumbly (because he is dumb).

Next, the they go to a traditional tea house and talk about opera. JP asks her to sing for him, and she quickly refuses. In a surprising twist, she seems like she MIIIIGHT be thinking about  warming to him maybe just a little. “he is……………more fun than expected,” she begrudgingly says in an interview. Ringing endorsement!!

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Later, they are in what appears to be the courtyard of the tea house, and JP is now demanding to hear her sing. She continues to protest, which makes me like her more because maybe, JUST MAYBE someone isn’t here to get famous. Finally, after he says that he’ll close his eyes, she does a quick vocal warmup and then belts out a beautiful run. JP’s eating it up. They make out in that weird, tongue-y, uncertain way that only these two can. “I think there’s a shot that we could fall in love,” Sharleen says. Oh god i’m melting from the romanticism.

At dinner, they talk about living in a country that isn’t your own. Sharleen did it when she worked in Germany, and JuanPab obviously is no longer living in his own Venezuela. Then things take a turn. JP asks her how many kids she wants. Sharleen is looking RULL uncomfortable as she hems and haws until she finally says that she’s been so focused on her career that she hasn’t really thought about kids. She also says that she once dated a man who had a child, and quickly realized that she was not at all ready for it. All of this seems to be her way of trying to say that she’s not sure she wants kids, but Juan Pablo doesn’t have the firmest grasp on the english language, so I’m guessing that he’s taking this to mean “not yet, but soon!” He gives her the rose.

Second group date! Today, the remaining gals and JP are going to get Krazy in Korea. What does that mean? Karaoke! But weirder. Juanny takes them to waht appears to be a life size doll house, complete with creepy children peeking out from behind curtains. They go to a room filled with toys and sing karaoke. It looks like the type of place I would have killed to have my 10th birthday at, so it def makes sense to send a bunch of adults there.

After karaoke, the group visits a photobooth that is magically large enough for all 7 of them, get drinks from a local vendor, and then paddle boat around in a nearby lake. This is the first group date in many moons that actually looks like it might be fun. Aaaand then they get fish pedicures. You know, when you put your feet in a tank and a bunch of little fish eat the dead skin off of your feet? Can you imagine a less romantic setting?

To cap off the day of Korean Kraziness, they all sample octopus from one of the vendors. Everyone else is game, but Clare is a giant baby. She finally eats it, but only after making a huge fuss.

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Having recovered from the oh so scarring octopus tasting, Clare and the other ladies are gussied up and ready for cocktails. Renee gets the first one-on-one time. Her attempts to score a kiss are unsuccessful. JP interviews that he has to focus on being a good role model for Camila, and since he’s already kissed 6 women he needs to pump the breaks. That seems like a made up excuse to get out of kissing the women that he’s already friend zoned, if you ask me.

Andi’s next, and she and JP tease each other about dancing, and are pretty cute if you forget how unevenly matched they are intelligence-wise. Lauren is next. She asks him to dance, and then goes in for a kiss. Juan Pablo rebuffs her, again using Camila as an excuse. Lauren, however, knows that he’s already had his tongue down roughly half the women’s throats  and takes it as a rejection.

Clare is up next, and she opens by saying that she threw up in her mouth when she tried the octopus, but then swallowed it back down. And if you guessed this to be the moment that Juan Pablo breaks his moratorium on kissing, well you’re gross and right. Clare and her mouth vomit are too much for JP to resist, and they go to mack town.

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….Which makes it all the more hilarious when Andi, not Clare, is given the rose.

Finally, it’s the cocktail party. Tonight’s episode feels especially long. The girls have established that the proper etiquette is for those who already have a rose to take a back seat so the other ladies can get some solo time.  Needless to say, this does not last, as Nikki raises hell and interrupts Clare’s time. During their talk, Juan Pablo alludes to some weirdness in the house, and Nikki immediately assumes that Clare said something, though I can’t imagine the editors wouldn’t have included that if it happened.

Poor Kelly sits in between Clare and Nikki as they silently fume. Finally they have a passive aggressive back and forth, and Clare says Nikki is not the same around JP as she is with JP. Nikki’s mad, Clare’s annoyed, we’ve seen this argument at least once a season for the past 18 seasons, so I’m bored.

Rose time! Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Ali, Clare, and finally Kat. This means that Elise and Lauren are going home.

Next week, Juan Pablo and his harem are heading to Vietnam. Maybe Danielle will speak for the first time? Probably not! See you then!

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