“The Bachelor” Season 18, Episode 5: Sex on the Beach

JP and his Merry Band of Misfits have traveled to Vietnam for the next leg of their journey. There are 11 women left, and they’re staying at an insanely gorgeous resort. It’s infuriating. “Who are we to get to stay here? I’m just like some girl.” says some girl. You left out “dumb and undeserving” but otherwise, yes.

The first date card is for Renee. Finally! I know she’s too sane and nice for reality television and there’s no way that she’s going to win this thing, but I’m still glad to see her get the chance to take off her den mother hat and enjoy herself.

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Juan Pablo has planned a day in a village on the other side of Vietnam. He drives her around in a pedicab and interviews how it’s cool that she’s 32 and a single parent like him. I mean, yes. That should be cool. But considering the 21-year-old retiree and the 27-year-old “dog lover” still hanging out in the house, I find it hard to believe that “same page” ranks high on JP’s list.

What does rank high on JP’s list is bust size, something that he is able to fully assess on he and Renee’s next stop. He’s having a traditional dress designed just for her, and he excitedly takes note as her bust is measured. Class act, that one. Renee is giddy when Juan Pablo runs out to buy a fan  to cool her off as she’s being measured. I am giddy that Renee is a regular person who can admit to sweating profusely.

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They buy presents for their kids, which of course thrills Renee. I’m guessing Renee goes far because JP knows how awesome she is and feels bad about not being as into her, and then boots her before he has to meet her kid.

Dinner time, and Renee is wearing her brand new dress. She looks great. Pabs wants to know about Ben’s dad. They got married very young, and then they grew apart and the rest is history. JP interviews “there could be something here” in a high pitched voice that roughly translates to “please don’t think I’m garbage for not liking the only sane person here!”

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives. Andi is stressing balls. She NEEDS this one-on-one date, guys.  Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle and Andi. So Nikki gets the one on one and Andi is PISSED.

Back on the date, Renee and JP are talking about dating while being parents. I think the fact that they seemingly can’t talk about anything except for parenting maybe does not bode well. None the less, he gives her a rose, and a kiss on the cheek. Womp womp.

They get little wish lanterns and JP interviews that he thinks Renee is a “pretty girl”  but that she has a son and therefore he can’t kiss her. It’s so cool how women with kids can’t kiss people because what would the world think, but men with kids can kiss any ol’ dumb dumb as long as her womb is uninhabited.

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Group date! The ladies all coordinated in matching crop tops for their day of traditional Vietnamese activities. First up, they’re riding around in little boat things. JP tells everyone to pair up, and Clare twiddles her thumbs and avoids eye contact so that she is left unpaired, and gets to ride with Juan Pablo. Well played, Clare.

Clare and JP don’t even try to be considerate to the other women, going woefully off course and getting “accidentally” marooned on shore. There, they take some time to make out for a while, because Clare hasn’t been tainted by childbirth and is therefore worthy of JP’s magic tongue.

Back at the pad, Renee and Nikki are hanging out poolside,  talking about whatever you talk about when you’re forced to spend the day with someone you don’t know and probably don’t like. In an interview, Nikki makes a snide remark about always getting the rose on group dates. I seriously do not understand what Nikki is trying to accomplish. You are no Courtney Robertson, lady.

MISS YOU

MISS YOU

Later, the group walks up to an old Vietnamese man, and JP acts like he’s being spontaneous as he asks the dude if there is somewhere they can eat. The man invites them in, and stupid Chelsie seems to actually believe that they are just randomly walking into a stranger’s house uninvited. Do you know how television works, Chelsie?

They get some traditional hats and baskets, and head out to a massive garden to pick some stuff to eat. Andi pulls JP aside to complain about not having a one-on-one. He reassures her by reminding her that he gave her the rose on the last group date she was on, so obviously he wants her to be there. At the dinner table, Clare manages to get close to JP yet again, and multiple ladies interview that while the day was fun, they mostly felt like chaperones on Clare and JP’s date.

Cocktail time, and Clare strikes again, getting the first one-on-one time. Everyone is livid since he already sat in the boat with her, publicly made out with her, and sat next to her at dinner. Basically, everyone feels like it’s Clare’s world and they’re all living in it.

Number 30 = Clare. Number 23 = Everyone else.

Number 30 = Clare. Number 23 = Everyone else.

They’re not wrong, as JP whisks her away to his suite and they get in the pool and she wraps her legs around him and they make out aggressively for what feels like one million years.

Sharleen is next to get some time, and she’s questioning their relationship just like everyone else who isn’t Clare. They make out a little. “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda, in a room full of brown bears,” she says. Okay?

Andi uses her time to express her doubts again. Well, Andi, JP almost definitely got a beej from Clare like 25 minutes ago, so maybe listen to that gut. He takes her to the beach and they suck face for a while because that’s easier than talking. Keep setting that example.

In an unsurprising twist, it’s Clare who gets the rose, despite Andi’s strategic game play. Everyone is mad, but I’m mostly just impressed.

Back at the hotel, the girls debrief, and Clare excuses herself to go to bed. But of course she’s not going to bed, she’s going to Juan Pablo’s. She wants to fulfill a lifelong dream of banging on national television swimming in a warm ocean. “We went for it. And I don’t regret it. In every way,” Clare says, smirking. DUDE.

Screen Shot 2014-02-03 at 9.50.43 PM

The next day, fresh off his adult time rendezvous with Clare, Juan Pablo meets Nikki (wearing her best Coachella Chic headband) for an afternoon out. They arrive at some sort of chasm, which drops down into complete darkness into a cave called Hell. Nikki is afraid of heights and freaking out, but it appears to be genuine and not attention seeking, so it’s just boring instead of annoying. They kiss halfway down, and Juan Pablo’s magic spit gives Nikki the strength to keep going. What a triumph of the human spirit.

For Dinner, they’re all gussied up and have moved on to a more picturesque part of the cave. They talk a lot about Nikki’s job, and how much she loves it, and I guess things are going well? It’s pretty boring and my dog was being cute so most of it is lost to me. By the time I tune back in, she’s talking about how she’s down to be a step mom or whatever, and JP is giving her the rose. Oh and also they make out a lot, because while Nikki is ready to be a mom, she isn’t yet a mom, and there fore she is kissable. RULES!

The rose ceremony is in some super pretty restaurant with a bunch of lanterns, which Renee calls the perfect atmosphere for a first kiss. Give it up, Renee. JP is all ‘woe is me’ about having to send home 3 women. Yes, Juan Pablo. Life is so hard. He sits down with the ladies, and Clare kicks off the night with a toast: “Cheers to finding love, being loved and making love.” Subtlety is not Clare’s strong suit.

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Andi’s first. She learns some Spanish phrases and gets a few kisses. Cassandra is next. She’s young and hot and would be a good step mom but more importantly is young and hot.

Renee is beautiful and smart but JP has friend zoned her to death and refuses to kiss her because he likes double standards more than he likes her. Renee calls him on his shit, saying that her kid understands what is happening. I think the more sound argument is that Renee would sooner die than allow her 8-year-old son to watch this anti-woman garbage on television, but either way it works. Juan Pablo swoops in for the mack attack. The music is all swelling and magic. Music, I want to trust you, but I don’t think I can.

Juan Pablo is stressing balls about how he “went too far” with Clare the other night. He takes her aside, and her smile quickly turns sour as he tells her that he feels weird. Clare’s mild discomfort quickly accelerates to complete and utter shock as Juan Pablo explains that he has has a daughter, and how now she might be able to see them “doing that.” AHAHAHAHA this is so amazing. I mean, i know this stuff happens all the time. Like Courtney 4SURE banged Ben, but I feel like this is the closest we’ve ever come to a full, verbal confession. Clare is absolutely crushed that Juan might think that she was being disrespectful to his daughter. She interviews “that it was a mutual feeling” and “he was on board with everything” JUANNY PABS YOU DOG! Also, hi, slut shaming, thanks for coming. Great to see you as always.

They re-enter the group and everyone knows things are weird. Clare immediately can’t handle it and walks away again, blaming allergies. After a few minutes, Juan Pablo finds her outside again. “Why didn’t you say no?” she asks. Good god this is actually kind of awful. He says that was afraid that if he said no, her feelings would be hurt. OH HOLY HELL. That is the most unfair sentiment maybe ever uttered on this show. Way to make her take all the responsibility for something that you clearly didn’t object to. This show is always bad for women, but this whole exchange is on another level.

Now that my mellow is officially harshed, let’s get to the roses: Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat and Andi. That means that Kelly, Alli and Danielle are going home. Allie, Danielle, sorry that you got no screen time. Kelly, I’ll miss your commentary and hope to see you on Bachelor Pad.

Screen Shot 2014-02-03 at 9.48.10 PM

Sharleen is inexplicably sobbing. Juanny Pabs is also crying, but I think it probably has more to do with the fact that his kid, his parents, and presumably his fiance (assuming Clare doesn’t win) is going to be watching him inside a woman on national TV in a few short months.

Next week: New Zealand and lots of tears! Hooray!

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