The promos make this seem like tonight’s episode might actually be the most. dramatic. Bachelor. ever. Will Clare commit a murder suicide following her ocean romp and subsequent public slut shaming? Will Renee be outed as a seemingly decent cyborg sent to destroy The Bachelor franchise and all it stands for from the inside? Will Molly the dog reveal that she’s been pulling the strings from behind the scenes all along? …Or will a bunch of women cry because some mildly attractive guy with a somewhat appealing accent isn’t “opening up” enough? Probably.
This week, the a-holes have traveled to New Zealand, yet another vacation I would love to be on, being enjoyed by people I would love to punch. Cassandra really wants to spend some time with “Juan” this week. I’m sorry who? Who is this “Juan” that you speak of? Does she mean Juan Pablo? Juanny Pabs? JP? JuPab? Pabsy Juansy?
After the girls have settled into their disgustingly gorgeous hotel, the first date card arrives. It’s for Andi, who’s hours of whining to Juan Pablo has finally been been rewarded with some one-on-one time. Clare is suffering from ‘Nam related PTSD, and is upset that she can’t spend some time working things out with Juan Pablo. By ‘working things out,’ I assume she means having JP alternately yell “stop crying” and “look at me” because those are apparently the only two sentences he’s mastered in English. Look forward to a lifetime of healthy conflict resolution, future Mrs. JuannyPabs!
That night, Renee and Cassandra bond about missing their kids. Renee is really supportive and nice because she’s awesome or possibly not human. Cassandra, despite being only 21, seems to be pretty genuine and to have her head on relatively straight. Or as straight as a 21-year-old retiree can, anyway.
The next day, Andi is getting ready for her date. She’s looking forward to spending time with Juan Pablo because they haven’t “gotten in depth yet.” Andi, there are kids watching, and they’ve already seen enough of that this season. They get in a speed boat and ride around for a while before coming to an abrupt stop in an area that is not quiiiiite picturesque enough for Andi. Turns out they’re heading to “The Squeeze,” which means they are going to wade through some freezing cold water and in between giant boulders that create increasingly narrow crevices to get to… something. Juan Pablo holds her hand as she climbs over the moss covered rocks. “It feels good to be taken care of,” she says, as Juan Pablo nobly extends her the same courtesy that would be expected of a tour guide. On the other side of their claustrophobic journey is a steamy waterfall; the perfect place for a logistically nightmarish make out sesh. Like how hard was it for her swimsuit not to come right off given the strength of the downpour? And we all know JP has a hard time keeping his hands to himself in natural waters without the divine intervention of a heavy stream.
For dinner, the producers have set up a nice table directly next to a geyser. Andi and Juan Pablo marvel at the beauty of it, until said geyser erupts, sending a buzz killing stream of water directly on top of them. Both of them seem genuinely shocked to have had their dinner ruined by water, which makes me think that neither of them had a very strong grasp on the definition of “geyser” prior to tonight’s date.
They move out of the splash zone and continue to talk about relationships and love. Juan Pablo calls Andi great, just like every other girl in the house. He presents the rose, which he has zipped up in his jacket for some reason. Unzipping an article of clothing to reveal a present? I see you, Juan Pablo.
The next day, it’s a group date for Renee, Kat, Nikki, Cassandra and Sharleen. For their activity, they are putting on swim suits and getting into giant hamster wheels filled with water? Maybe? All I know is that Juan Pablo is very excited to get in multiple balls with multiple women and get pushed off a hill. OK FINE it actually looks really fun and I would probably be having a ball in said ball. Juanny Pabs rides with most of the girls, and Nikki scores a mack sesh mid roll. That’s ambitious. With all the bouncing around, she’s lucky that neither one of them lost a tongue.
For the second half of the date, The Bachelor producers have chosen the most romantic venue in all of New Zealand – Hobbiton. I think this is a fantastic date, but Sarah calls it “so 2004.” Sharleen is thrilled, showing more emotion to a former movie set than she has for Juan Pablo all season. Apparently, today is Cassandra’s birthday, as her chyron has changed from 21 to 22 over the break, but so far Juan Pablo has failed to acknowledge it. Renee gets the first one-on-one, and they have the same conversation they have had every date. Juan Pablo loves how into being a mom she is, so he makes out with her and then takes a selfie with her, because apparently that’s their “thing” now.
Nikki is “falling” for JP, which is scary, she says. And she doesn’t want to have any regrets. She wants to open herself up. To his tongue. Which we can all see as it enters her mouth. Jesus, Juan Pablo, learn how to kiss! It’s not a joust!
Sharleen is next, and Juan Pablo immediately shoves his tongue down her throat, quickly depositing Nikki’s spit directly into her mouth, which is super nice. Sharleen pulls away to geek out about the Hobbit, and then to make Juan Pablo feel insecure about their relationship. She says she’s found the process to be a bit “inorganic.” Sharleen. You’re a smart girl. Let’s not pretend you didn’t know what you were signing up for. JP silences her with his tongue, because words are hard.
Cassandra is celebrating her birthday with the other girls because Juan Pablo is busy macking on literally everyone but her. It seems like he maybe doesn’t know that it’s her birthday? I really hope he doesn’t know because otherwise he’s a dick. Or more of a dick than he has already proven to be, which is a pretty huge one. Finally she gets some time with him, and uses it to tell him how much she respects him as a father, and how she realized that she has so much love to give. JP kind of just stares at her with glassy, dead eyes, and then doesn’t kiss her, which is not a good sign, considering how much he loves showing off his tongue.
Back to the group, and Cassandra wants the rose. Renee wants Cassandra to get the rose because she’s nice and doesn’t want sweet, young, fragile Cassandra to be broken by Juan Pablo’s indifference. But Sharleen gets the rose because she’s withholding, and JuannyPabs loves him some cold shoulder. After Sharleen accepts the rose through gritted teeth, JP pulls Cassandra aside. He rattles off some compliments, and then reveals that he’s sending her home because they aren’t in the same chapter, and jeez, Juan Pablo, couldn’t you have waited til the rose ceremony, AKA any day but her birthday to dump her? Juan Pablo ruined her special day and he ruined the shire.
Dramatic music plays as Juan Pablo sadly walks through Hobbiton and Cassandra is bummed in the limo. It’s ok, Cassandra. You’re barely 22 and you’re retired. Use your golden years to do some traveling and explore the world with your cute son. Juan Pablo rejoins the women to tell them that he sent Cassandra home so that she wouldn’t have to spend two more days away from her kid. Slow clap for the hero.
The next day, Clare is getting ready for her one-on-one date, and preparing to face off once more against Juan Pablo re: OceanSexGate (still working on that one). She says in an interview that JP calling her actions disrespectful to his daughter went beyond honesty and was just plain hurtful, which YES. They meet up for a picnic, and Juan Pablo continues to sing the same sad tale of being unable to say no because of not wanting to hurt her feelings. Tell that your bodily fluids currently floating around the Indian Ocean, JP. Clare wants to set some boundaries so that they don’t get in that situation again. Juan Pablo, who’s tongue recently made its way into the mouths of at least three separate women on one date alone, says that he doesn’t even like to have Camila see him holding hands with his girlfriends. Cool. That all checks out. Clare, quickly loses whatever gumption she had going into this date when Juan Pablo says he didn’t like making her cry. “Just don’t make me sad,” she says, as she dives head first into this mouth.
They’re having dinner back at his place, where she gushes more about how he apologized and took responsibility, even though neither of those things actually happened. They dance in the living room, and she gushes that this is what it feels like to know that other people want what you have. Clare, nobody wants what you have except for aspiring d-list celebrities. Since they’re just having a regular ol’ down home date, Juan Pablo pulls out some truly offensive drop crotch sweatpants for Clare to put on so that they can pretend that they’re just BF and GF hanging out in New Zealand, briefly forgetting about the harem of women who are all exchanging Juan Pablo make-out stories back at the hotel.
Tonight, one more person is getting eliminated. Sharleen, having gotten what she came here for (a trip to the Shire) might be making that decision for JP tonight since she’s only feeling so/so about him and doesn’t know if she’s really the right person for him. DRAMA!
Nikki is first for the one-on-one. Juan Pablo is wearing pink underwear, he quickly lets her know. They make out. At this point, I feel like I have an intimate understanding of Juan Pablo’s taste buds. JP. YOU DO NOT NEED TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH THAT WIDE.
Renee is next, and she’s stressing because she’s the only single mom left. Juan Pablo seems to be actually into her, which makes me sad because she deserves so so so much better. Get out while you can, Renee! Run away!
Chelsie is up next, feeling “frazzled,” which she has to define for JP. Her last relationship went on for a “whole year” so she’s learned a lot. Chelsie’s 24, in case anyone forgot.
Kat’s been journaling throughout this journey, and it’s made her realize that she’s been closed off because she’s afraid of being disappointed. She tells Juan Pablo all about her terrible father and her abandonment issues and oof this is going to sting when she gets booted in like 5 minutes.
After a quick heart to heart with Harrison, who has NOT been pulling his weight this season, Juan Pablo is ready to break someone’s heart. The first roses are unsurprisngly given to Nikki and Renee. Harrison, who has apparently been spending all his time off camera working on his accent (he says Juan Pablo with a really nice flourish), introduces the final rose, which goes to…Chelsie. So long Kat!
Sharleen is freaking out about how she’s supes luke warm about Juan Pablo and really shouldn’t be there given how much all the other girls actually like him. JP announces that they are going to Miami next, and Sharleen vows to give it one more week before she self immolates. Or sends herself home. See you then!