Hour 1: Carly
Before we get into Juan Pablo and his hat trick of sexual misadventures, I’d like to take a moment to direct everyone to a very special Grantland Podcast, The Juliet Show, featuring an interview with one Christopher B. Harrison. It’s fascinating, and confirms without a shadow of a doubt that 1. Harrison thinks Juan Pablo is a pile of human garbage. 2. Harrison is almost always just out of frame on group dates, twirling his metaphorical mustache and plotting his next move like the master puppeteer that he is. 3. When he’s not manipulating observing group dates, he spends his time in foreign countries fly fishing, surfing and paying locals to show him the underbelly of whatever village the Bachelor and his harem are currently desecrating. Harrison is LIVING.
So here we go. Juan Pablo is in St. Lucia, marveling at the island’s beauty and getting amped about his three overnight dates this week. These are important, because without any cameras he’ll be able to really “talk” to the girls, and he won’t have to worry about publicly shaming them later to save face.
First up is Clare, who is talking about how lucky she is, and how it’s ‘finally time for [her] love story” and ughhh. I am predicting that Andi becomes the next bachelorette, Nikki ends up with the ring and the (very short) engagement and Clare ends up in therapy. Write it down.
They are on a yacht, and Clare is really looking forward to unsupervised alone time with JP, but also knows she needs to be careful, given the open waters around them and her predisposition to disrespecting his daughter. They get good and tangled up on the bow of the ship and make out for a while, before having a very boring conversation about how crazy Clare’s family is. Clare reminds him that her mama got engaged to her “daddy” three weeks after meeting him. Again, not even remotely the same situation. Also, you’re 32 years old, so maybe let’s relax with the baby talk.
In the evening, Clare is wearing a long white maxi dress in order to further convince Juan Pablo that she has repented and reclaimed her virtue. Juan Pablo says the fantasy suite has no cameras and that “it’s going to be easy.”
Clare wants to talk about what role she will play in Camila’s life, and how she’ll want to make sure Camila’s ex is comfortable with everything. Juan Pablo is like “ugh buzz kill” as he pulls out the fantasy suite card. Clare is understandably unsure of what to do, given her PTSD from Nam. She pretends like their previous encounter was all her fault, and says that she now understands why it might not be a good call for her to go have sex with him (again). Juan Pablo basically says that since sex is written into the agenda this time and not a surprise, and because there won’t be cameras to capture the magic, it’s TOTALLY DIFFERENT and fine and can she please stop being such a nag and get it in already. Clare is immediately on board. These two deserve each other.
In the suite, Juan Pablo moans a lot, per usual, as Clare stresses about whether or not to tell him she loves him. “Why are you thinking a lot?” he asks, in true JuannyPabs fashion. She whispers some things, and then finally says something about falling in love. He makes some high pitched noises and rewards her with this tongue (and probably some other body parts too).
The next day Juan Pablo interviews about how he spend the night “talking and talking and cuddling” with Clare. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Now he has to pretend that Clare’s scent isn’t all over him as he spends the day with Andi.
They’re at some outdoor festival, and they rudely interrupt a band of steel drummers and demand they teach them how to play. Very respectful of the culture, these two. Next they find some little boys, and Juan Pablo demands they take a bite of whatever food he is eating. Guess stranger danger isn’t a huge priority in St. Lucia?
The kids like soccer, so now Andi is “barefoot in a dress playing a pickup game” She’s not like regularl girls, she’s a cool girl! Isn’t she cool! Look at her being so cool! Ugh. Next they’re in a land buggy riding around town. They stop in the middle of the jungle and he leads her down to a waterfall for a picnic.
Sitting waterside, Andi presses Juan Pablo for details about his talks with her family. He recaps his talk with Hy, and she recaps in an interview how 2 days ago she was like “eh” about him, but now she’s like “eh?” about him, so progress!
That evening, Juan Pablo is ready to find out if Andi wants to fall in love, or if she’s actually fallen in love because nothing that’s forced can work. Well, that’s actually a fair point. Oh no… am I giving kudos to Juan Pablo?
She says that she wants it, but she’s not going to force it, and simple Juan Pablo is like “That’s good enough for me! Besitos!” They talk about how he’s “easy” and Clare pops out from the bushes and is like ‘NO DOY!!”
Andi talks about being an overthinker, to which Juan Pablo says “thinking is great.” I’m assuming that’s second hand information. The conversation gets a little awkward as it turns to Camila. “Do I think you’ll be a good mother? I don’t know!” Juan Pablo says, happily. And then he talks about how the woman he picks will have to babysit or something, and that’s why it’s important for them to have an overnight because everyone knows that there is a positive correlation between being good in bed and being a positive role model.
The fantasy suite card is revealed, and I know we’ve probably said this before but it is seriously so funny that the note offering them a key to bang is personally signed by Chris Harrison. Love you Hare Bear! They decide to take the card, and Andi says she’s on cloud 9 as they make out on the couch. Given the promos for this episode, I’m guessing that cloud is about to give way, but for that I’ll hand things off to Sarah.
Hour 2: Sarah
When we return, all is not well on Jade Mountain. Juan Pablo says that he and Andi “talked and laughed for hours. HOURS. Like, HOURS.” He is totally psyched and probably hungover.
Meanwhile, Andi is freaking out. She is walking along a road with an extremely awkward gait and like a thousand animals yowling in the background, and I have no idea what that’s supposed to tell us, but in voiceover she pronounces the night a “disaster.” This is going to be awkward, because this is probably a sex thing, but neither of them will be allowed to actually come out and say that they did it. May I humbly suggest “swimming in the ocean” as a substitute?
Andi says that JP could not stop talking about himself, which sounds about right. Apparently he also couldn’t stop talking about “swimming in the ocean” with Claire. Hahahahahahahahaha. Man, she is pissed. “It is extremely important to me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself,” she says, and laments how much time it took for her to realize that Jape is un narcisista. To be fair, until the overnight they had spent a maximum of, what, three hours alone together?
Juan Pablo hangs out with a horse (“What are you thinking? Look at me. Look at me. Look at me,” he is probably saying to it) and waits for Nikki to show up. And show up she does, wearing THE MOST INSANE OUTFIT I’VE EVER SEEN. It’s, like, a butter-yellow fringed halter bikini top and printed palazzo pants. To ride horses. On vacation. Just to reiterate, she is on vacation wearing a costume. “Good thing I brought pants, though,” Nikki says re: horseback riding, as though there was a way for her outfit to be more inappropriate. Juan Pablo suggest a thong. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.
JP and Nikki chat on the beach and I can’t take any of it seriously because she is still wearing that outfit. At dinner, she has finally changed and I am able to focus. Once again, JP asks the lady he’s on a date with why she insists on thinking so GD much. Nikki wants to know if Juan Pablo repeatedly asking her if she was sure about marriage/stepmotherhood was because he has doubts about her as a potential wife, but I just think Juan Pablo has to have things repeated to him a couple of times before they take.
Fantasy Suite. Obligatory pause of polite hesitat— wait, no, Nikki is DOWN. “Me and Nikki, together,” Juan Pablo says. “Finally.” He actually whispers the last word. This is unacceptable. Nikki wants to tell him that she loves him. JP wants to get it in. Who will get to go first?
“I love you,” Nikki says, once they’re in the fantasy suite.
“Mmmm. I didn’t know that,” JP says. He really is too stupid to live. And with that they get down to business.
The next day, Juan Pablo has taken a leaf out of Nikki’s book and is wearing the widest possible pants to go meet Chris Harrison. They sit down for their H2H, and Harrison’s disdain could not be more evident. They immediately start sparring over JP’s use of “like” rather than “love” when he talks about the ladies, which he attributes to a barrera de la lengua. I’m soooo sure. Harrison is like “do you even want to watch the videos they made you” and Juan Pablo is like “I guessssss” and Harrison is like “You’re disgusting” and peaces.
I’m skipping Nikki and Clare because who cares. It’s all about Andi. If her video isn’t just a freeze frame of her giving him the finger, it will be a major blow for feminism. Andi lays it all out, going through the chronology of their whole “relationship,” then mysteriously concluding by saying she has “a lot of thoughts” that she wants to share in person. Meanwhile, real life Andi is ascending a hill dressed in all white like an avenging angel. Awwww yeah.
They sit down, and Andi rather diplomatically explains that it’s not going to work out. Initially Juan Pablo is like “later hater,” and that’s when we really get into it. Andi is not cool with his easy breezy response. “If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do,” JP says, before trying to guilt trip her about how he’s liked her since week two and it’s such a shame that she’s leaving. She keeps arguing.
“English is my second language,” he protests. COME ON, DUDE. I was kind of hoping that this would be more satisfying.
Then Andi says that JP said something last night about how last week, it was between her and Renee for elimination, and she was here by “default.” LOLOLOL that’s incredible. JP claims that he doesn’t know the word “default,” and suggests that he maaaay have used the word “barely” instead. This is bizarre. Juan Pablo must be psyched that by exclusively dating American girls who don’t speak Spanish he can never be wrong about anything ever again — it’ll always just be “a language issue.”
There’s more endless back and forth, which concludes with Juan Pablo saying that he thought the night was “perfect,” so we’re just dealing with two different realities here. End it, Andi. Finish him! They hug it out, and it seems like JP still has no idea what happened. Now we just have to suffer through mortal enemies Nikki and Clare battling it out for the love of the least appealing Bachelor in history. HARD. PASS.