It’s been a mere two months since Juan Pablo shat all over everything Chris Harrison stands for as he refused to say “I love you” on national television. Has Harrison recovered? Will he ever? Does he stab a Juan Pablo voodoo doll before bed each night, whispering “you were never there for the right reasons, were you?” as he sobs into a vat of cookie dough ice cream? We may never know. Tonight, though, we can all say a collective “ees ok” as we journey forward with the palate cleanser that is Andi Dorfman as The Bachelorette.
As always, the first episode is full of awkward introductions, promising characters who will undoubtedly disappoint us and at least one overly aggressive eliminatee. Let’s run down the highlights:
Andi’s First Impression Rose: Nick V. is a soft spoken software sales executive, who is cute in a dorky kind of way. He’s pretty forgettable in his limo exit (just introducing yourself? LAAAAAME), but he comes off as charming and normal in his one-on-one, as he talks about being one of 11 siblings. His reaction to receiving the first impression rose is filled with complete and utter disbelief, followed by an onslaught of gratitude. It’s kind of sweet.
My First Impression Rose: Ummmm Marquel brought a cookie buffet. He also said “The love of my life right now is cookies.” So, obviously.
Most Anticipated Romance: So, I think Patrick and Andrew are maybe going to date? These two bachelors hit it off in a big way, as they repeatedly interviewed how great each other is in voice over. Mentions of Andi? Slim to none. “He’s definitely more of my caliber,” Patrick’s says in interview as Andrew subtly gets up and moves closer to Patrick. I think this might be the start of something beautiful, guys.
Worst Entrance: OK so Brett approaching with a lamp that he stole from a hotel was really stupid, and Emil explaining that his name was like “anal, but with an m” is not hte smoothest, but can we talk about Cody the personal trainer for a hot second? He pushed the limo up the hill. Fine. Sure. It’s stupid but whatever. But what about that outfit?? A ridiculous blazer, collar popped, v-neck t-shirt and a faux hawk? Are you trying to kill me, Cody?
Dumbest Title: JJ, the pantsapreneur. NEXT.
Most Sociopathic: Chris B, known from Emily Maynard’s season and from being a psycho on Bachelor Pad shows up at craft services to try to crash the party. Andi’s like “ummm I’ve seen that guy and his crazy eyes” and gives it a hard pass. Chris does not appear to take the rejection well, and the level of security required to escort him out leaves me half expecting him to drop in through the air vents at some point later this season.
Saddest Moment: Starting off on a decidedly gloomy note, the episode opened with a tribute to one of this season’s contestants – Eric Hill – who met an untimely death shortly after finishing filming this season. Harrison says that in the coming weeks we will get to see his vibrant spirit, and that this season is dedicated to him. Jesus Christ, this is all terrible.
Eliminated: Emil the helicopter pilot, Mike the bartender with bad hair, Rudie the attorney, Jason the doctor with bad hair and Josh B, the “telecommunication marketer” who has a REAL BAD ATTITUDE.
In other news, the “this season on The Bachelorette” sizzle looks amazing. Here’s hoping for a fun season!