Well color me giddy, it sounds like someone’s about to get drunk and embarrassing on The Bachelorette. What have we done to deserve such a gift?! Bring on the fun! Bring on the shame!
After last week’s rose ceremony, Andi has apparently finally realized that she is “officially the Bachelorette.” Yes, Andi. It’s true. That’s you in all those promotional photos! You’re here to find the
Juan One. Surprise!
Back at the Bachelor pad, everyone is wearing their finest hoodies to commemorate the momentous occasion of moving in to a mansion that is definitely coated with sexually transmitted diseases. Harrison tells the fellas that this week will have two one-on-one dates and one group date. The first date card is for Eric. Oh. Well. This is sad.
Andi arrives at the mansion in her sassy convertible to pick up Eric. They go to the beach and build sandcastles and goof around, and as always, a girl’s ability to act like a child is deemed SUPAH SEXY. After a while, a helicopter appears in the distance to take them to a second surprise location. Somewhere, Emil “like anal with an M” is shaking his fist and waving his helicopter pilot license, cursing what could have been.
They land at Bear Mountain, where they find a caricature of a human named Louie Vito who’s there to give them a snowboarding lesson. Eric is of course at ease because he’s athletic like that, while Andi repeatedly falls down. LOL girls are bad at sports!
After romping around in the snow for a while, Andi and Eric are off to dinner at a pretty little cabin. Eric talks about a recent dangerous trip to Syria, where he faced off with a couple of militants and was so certain that he was going to die that he drafted a goodbye text to his parents. Oh god. This is too much. This is way too much. Then he talks about how he has a list of things that he knows he has to do before he has a kid, because once he has a kid he won’t risk the dangerous stuff. Guys, I can’t. It’s too sad. Everyone go hug your loved ones. RIP Eric. 😦
Back at the house, the group date card has arrived. Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S., and Dylan are invited to “bare their souls.” Craig is white girl wasted as he yells about how excited he is to get naked. Casual.
On the date, Eric talks about his large family and how they are all married with three kids. Andi gives him the rose and they make smores. I’m ready for drunk shenanigans; this date has been an emotional roller coaster already.
The next day, Andi greets her 14 dates in Hollywood, and explains that they will be stripping for charity. Natch. Scott, a nightmare wearing a leather blazer over a bare chest, explains that they will be performing a routine taught by the very oily Hollywood Men.
The dudes are divided into the four different groups of women’s sexual fantasies: armed men, firemen and cowboys, with Nick S. and Marcus getting special solo routines as a robot and an aviator. OK wait. So in the world of the Hollywood Men, one of women’s greatest sexual fantasies is a robot? I would like to see the focus group that led to this conclusion.
Once the men are adequately greased up and stuffed into their “marble bags,” it is show time. Last season’s Sharlene and Kellly (the professional dog lover) are helping Andi judge this steaming pile of hot garbage. A few things worth noting: Craig is definitely sexually attracted to Josh (understandable), Nick S. wears a robot costume that was 100% constructed during the arts and crafts portion of a summer day camp and shows his butthole to the audience, and Marcus is actually a pretty good stripper.
After everyone has succeeded in bringing shame on themselves and their families, everyone gathers for the cocktail portion of the night. Craig immediately starts his slow crawl/stumble to drunktown as he immediately commandeers the toast in order to get the alcohol in his system as quickly as possible. Rapid fire one-on-ones! Brian is a teacher! Josh is not a stereotypical athlete! No one cares!
Meanwhile, Craig is screaming about how hot Josh is as he chugs brewskis and looks for shots. Good tactics! He’s sweating like a pig, and stumbling around the mansion trying to accost Andi for some solo time. When he manages to get her to sit down, Andi says he can ask her literally anything, to which he replies: “what’s your worst thing about your parents?” [silence] “Boom.”
Andi escapes from Craig’s boozy clutches, but only temporarily, as he screams and jumps in the pool fully clothed, pulling her away from her solo time with Ron. The producers finally step in, forcing Craig to get dressed and go home to dry out. Well, that was embarrassing.
After our drunken friend is escorted away, Andi gives Marcus the date rose. Moving on!
The second one-on-one date is for Chris the farmer. For their date, Andi is bringing Chris to the horse races. She’s all dolled up, and has an outfit prepped for Chris, since that schmo showed up in shorts and a tee LIKE AN IDIOT.
A very nice old couple who were certainly placed on set by the producers ask Andi and Chris how long they’ve been together, before talking about how they themselves been together for 55 years. Then Chris calls Andi the most amazing woman on the planet. Maybe calm down a little, Chris. She’s fine, but like Hilary Clinton also lives on this planet so relax.
At dinner, Andi’s just glad that Chris doesn’t have alcohol poisoning. She asks how someone hasn’t snatched Chris up, and he says he got close, getting engaged to someone he met in college. Andi looks like she might throw up, but then gathers herself together as he talks about how awesome he thinks she is. Flattery for the win! “You were the one I was hoping for,” he says as Andi salivates. Hello, rose! Hello private concert! Hello very awkward looking make out sesh!
Cocktail party! Andi is wearing an insane disco ball of a gown that makes my eyeballs hurt, and the guys are all nervous.
Nick V. of the first impression rose starts things off, presenting Andi with a date card and taking her outside to sip champagne. Well played, sir. They talk about not wanting to settle and finding true LURVE. Stop being normal, Nick V. That’s not what I’m here for.
Marquel is wearing an insane shirt/tie/sock combo that is so loud I can barely hear what he is saying. Marquel! You were so well dressed last week! What happened?
Shenanigans: puppets from Brett, plate breaking with some random guy who I think just snuck onto the mansion, sweet talkin’ and sweet mackin’ with Joshy Josh aaaand then there’s Craig. He’s apologizing with a guitar and a song about how he showed he showed his junk to everyone but still hopes he can stay. Oh Craig. I would maybe like to go to a frat party with you, but you are not life partner material.
Rose time! Ron, Dylan, JJ, Marquel, Andrew, Tasos, Cody, Nick V., Patrick, Brian, Brett and Bradley receive roses. That means that Craig, Nick S. and Carl the hot fire fighter are going home. How do you send the hot firefighter home?? Andi what kind of madness is this? Carl is so hot! Carl! CAAAAAAAAAARL!
Well, that was a hot mess. Next week there are two episodes. TWO? Four hours of The Bachelorette? What kind of sick joke is this, Harrison!? (see you there)