Well, here we go. This week, the powers that be are lying to us and labeling what is very clearly a scheduling snafu as a “special two part Bachelorette event.” The promos tease a very uneventful, run of the mill episode tonight, followed by a maybe slightly more interesting episode tomorrow. Let’s do it.
This week, Andi is staying at the Bacara resort in Santa Barbara. Fun fact! I recently stayed at this very same resort for a gorgeous wedding, so I’m pretty much on the same level as The Bachelorette. The top guys, it feels good.
This week, the dudes will be traveling all the way to Santa Barbara for their dates. Harrison does his best to make this feel special and not like a forced product placement for Bacara (but guys, it is really pretty) and the guys muster up a half hearted round of applause for their underwhelming destination. The first person to get the date card is our very own first impression rose winner, Nick V., heretofore known as solely Nick (RIP Nick S). This is one of those dates where they talk a lot about how their “normal” lives will be. They rent bikes and play on the beach in front of a camera crew comprised of a thousand people. You know, like all average couples do!
They go on a hike and Nick talks about how crazy everything is. Meanwhile, Andi looks bored and/or miserable. Things seem to be going well! Lean on that hand some more, Andi! Tell us how you really feel! Nick tells Andi that he has a crush on her, and that he makes her feel like a 12-year-old boy. Really, Nick? Middle school? That’s the ideal time that you want to harken back to?
Dinner is at the Santa Barbara Court House, which means that Andi can very naturally guide the conversation to marriage. She wants to “dig deep” and find out why Nick is still single. Nick discloses that he was once engaged, and Andy pretends to be super chill, but her eyes turn into fireballs as Nick talks about how immature and dumb he was when he got engaged at 27. Andi says that she and Nick “have a lot in common — kind of, like, in a philosophical sense,” whatever the hell that means.
I just realized Nick is wearing some sort of super tight, modified trenchcoat with a popped collar on this date. Nick, are you okay? Do you need to talk? Do you feel comfortable at home? This is a safe space. Andi (who, by the way, is in a tank top, so obviously it’s not THAT COLD, NICK) pretends to be charmed by his openness and gives him the rose. They head up to balcony and make out a bunch, and Nick must be a hell of a kisser, because by the end of the mack sesh Andi is all googly eyed and seems to be unbothered by the fashion nightmare that Nick is perpetrating. She sees the potential with Nick, she says. Dude, what kind of black magic lives within Nick’s tongue? He looks like a Real Housewife right now!
The next day, it’s time for the group date, including Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick and Marcus. The card mentioned starting off on the right note, so the fellas rightfully assume that there is going to be some music involved.
The guys enter to find Boys II Men singing I’ll Make Love To You. The guys are all really excited. Particularly Bradley the opera singer, since he thinks this is his moment to shine. Andi and the Boys/Men explain that the fellas will be split in two groups to perform the iconic song. The rehearsal footage is basically torn straight from my nightmares.
For the performance, one group gets to wear nice tailored suits, while the other is in cardigans, bow ties and baseball caps. That seems unfair. Everyone is a mess during the song, but no one makes me feel more uncomfortable than Bradley, who operas his way through the song in a super try hard-y way. Basically this whole night reminded me of any time I’ve done karaoke, and there’s that one person who was probably the lead in show choir and then never did anything since and is using the sacred forum that is a divey karaoke bar to reclaim validation.
At the cocktail party, Cody is first to get some one on one time, and Andi quickly tells him that the dudes have been saying that he has a girlfriend. We quickly realize that it’s all a huge prank when she says that the girlfriend is a stripper, because everyone knows strippers aren’t real people! LOLOLOL you got him good, Andi!
Back at the house, we learn that JJ the “pantsapreneur” is getting the next one-on-one date.
Marquel asks Andi what her favorite color is: “is black a color?” Oh, heavens. Marcus and Josh both score some heavy makeout sessions. Andi is so obviously in it for Josh, even though he has a dumb scarf on and does that thing where he talks through every kiss that everyone on this show does. Stop it! It’s weird and no one wants to see your tongues. He gets the rose though, so I guess it’s working.
Oh no. JJ the Pantsapreneur has the next one-on-one date, and he and Andi are getting made over to look 50 years older. The plan for the date is to walk around Santa Barbara and try to fool people into thinking it’s their 50th wedding anniversary. JJ emerges from the makeup chair looking absolutely terrible, while Andi looks like she got an uneven spray tan and a silver wig from the dollar store.
Andi and JJ do seem like they are having fun, but this is the weirdest date in the world and I hate everything about it.
Continuing this season’s weirdly sad undertones, we return to the house to say goodbye to Ron. Apparently a close friend of his passed away, and he doesn’t feel he can stay. In the next package, we see Dylan explaining to Chris the farmer that he wants time with Andi to explain how he lost both his brother and sister to drugs. God, everything is so dark this season! What happened to over the pants HJs in hot tubs?
At dinner, Andi and JJ have taken off the makeup. Andi looks great, JJ looks like he’s maybe in the midst of a hallucinogenic trip. They have a boring conversation and JJ gets the rose, unsurprisingly.
OK so rose ceremony. Eric gets the first one on one, but it’s interrupted by a bouquet of flowers that were definitely lifted from a local funeral. They are from Nick, who is super smooth. Eric is like RUDE, but also props as Andi reads his note with a dreamy smile plastered on her face.
Elsewhere, Josh and JJ the Panstapreneur decide to confront Andrew because at some point on this journey, he apparently got the phone number of a waitress. Andrew flees to a bedroom to avoid engaging. Later, he returns to explain that he was the victim in all this. You see, that calculating waitress went ahead and shoved her number in his hand, and what else was he supposed to do except accept it and then brag about it?
MEANWHILE, Marcus throws around the LOVE word quite a bit for someone who met Andi like a minute ago, which of course works wonders on our Bachelorette.
ROSES: Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan…. and Andrew, of course.
So long, Brett, the hairstylist with a mullet, and Bradley, the opera singer/vampire. We hardly knew ye!
I’ll see you tomorrow, when Andi will undoubtedly spend a good amount of time being indignant over the fact that one of the 13 guys she’s dating had the balls to talk to another woman.