It’s been a whole two weeks since we’ve had to endure an episode. I feel somehow lighter, but the dulcet tones uttering “Tonight, on The Bachelorette” quickly bring me back to reality. This season is far from over.
The episode’s intro features Marcus, Josh and Nick, because Andi is the easiest person to read in the world and we all know those three are in it for the long haul. We are also reminded that someone is writing Andi secret love notes and that Andrew maybe at one point got someone’s number which is kind of shitty, but really only to his one true love Patrick because let’s be real: he’s not here for Andi.
This week, the guys are finally getting some passport stamps, starting off in Marseilles, France, “a perfect place to fall in love.” You guys don’t think we’ll hear that again this season, right? After the guys spend some time publicly shouting various French pleasantries, something that I’m sure the locals are LOVING, they settle into the hotel and receive the first date card. It’s for Josh, so you know we have some face sucking to look forward to.
Harrison meets Andi, and he asks if she’s falling in love. “STAAAAHP!” she says, for like the 2903843294820398 time this season. What else is he supposed to ask you about, Andi? Legal advice?
After hanging around the town, Josh and Andi get on a boat and make out and heavily pet each other. Josh talks about how good at sports he is. He says that he stopped being a professional athlete because he wanted to start a family. LOL ok, Josh. That’s definitely the only reason that you walked away from an undoubtedly lucrative minor league baseball career. I’m sure the coaches were like ‘NO PLEASE STAY FOREVER!’
Back at the house, JJ tells Marquel about how on the first night, Andrew made a comment after Marquel and Ron got roses, saying that the two “blackies” got roses. Oh good lord, Andrew. Marquel speaks to the camera, clearly emotional. “It would be nice to not be seen as, just, ‘Hey, this is a black guy.’ But I guess that’s what it is,” he says, before returning to the mansion packed with attractive white men. This show, man.
This poignant moment is interrupted by Josh and Andi, more attractive white people, who have gotten all gussied up for dinner at a palace. Andi talks about her concerns that he’s an athlete and there are stereotypes and maybe their connection is only physical. Josh quickly changes her mind by sharing the tragic story about how one time a girlfriend kissed someone else. Andi is all googly eyed at this absolute bare minimum of vulnerability, and rewards Josh with a rose, a private concert and a tongue bath.
The group date is the guys learning how to mime, because everything is terrible. After some preliminary lessons, it’s time to send the dudes out to perform for a crowd, because this show loves public humiliation. The people of Marseilles have no time for these busted ass mimers, although Marquel is pretty awesome at it. #TeamMarquel.
In the evening, JJ is the first to snag some alone time, and he takes her to a nearby ferris wheel. He steals a kiss on the ride, and from where I’m standing Andi looks like she’s enjoying it as much as Nick enjoyed miming (read: NOT MUCH).
While she’s being assaulted by JJ’s tongue, the guys are all getting catty with each other, mostly because Nick (rightfully) thinks he’s a front runner and that annoys everyone. Andi senses the weirdness and tries to get Chris to rat out the dudes, while in the other room Cody rages against Nick for sassing him at some point? I think?
Nick and Andi go to talk, and she’s annoyed that he’s been “salty” on the date. He admits that he doesn’t love group dates, and that he also made fun of Cody at some point in time, and also he wrote her a poem. Oh god. Poetry is the last thing we need on this goddamn show. It works on Andi though, who immediately forgets whatever reservations she had moments before and begs him to mack up on her.
Marquel is really having a hard time dealing with the Andrew thing, and decides that now, in the middle of the group date, in front of all the other dudes, is the time to talk about it. Andrew immediately goes on the defensive, saying that he never said it and that he treats everyone with equal respect. Marquel knows that there is no way of knowing whether or not it was said, so he simply says that he won’t ever tolerate that kind of talk and then walks away. DAMN! That is the best! He could have handled that a thousand more immature ways, but instead he made sure to defend his beliefs, and then he SHUT. IT. DOWN. Seriously, though: #TeamMarquel.
Andrew’s strategy is to run to Andi and claim that he was attacked, before pretending like all this drama makes him question whether it’s worth it. LOL, Andrew. That only works if the girl likes you! JJ gets the rose and it’s time to move on.
Poor Brian has landed the marketing date, in which the Bachelor/Bachelorette and their date are forced to watch an upcoming feature film and aggressively talk about how great it all is. The 100 Foot Journey! Coming to a theater near you!
After the flick, which was about food, Andi and Brian pick up some groceries and head to her pad to cook. Brian apparently hates cooking even more than I do, as he completely shuts down and turns into a brutally awkward nightmare person for as long as they are in the kitchen. Finally, after forcing down some frog legs, the two decide to head out for a real meal. As soon as Brian is a stone’s throw from the kitchen he emerges from his fugue state and kisses Andi a bunch, apologizing for the afternoon. He gets the rose, and even manages to deliver a kiss to Andi from the restaurant’s kitchen, which is pretty smooth.
Andi’s rocking a serious Elsa-esque braid as she sits down with Harrison. She’s been doing some soul searching, and she knows who she wants to go home. She doesn’t want a cocktail party, she just wants to LET IT GO (still not sick of that song, not sorry). SO here we go. Roses go to Marcus, Nick, Chris, Dylan and… Cody (LOL HOW IS THIS GUY STILL HERE?!). That means that Andrew, Patrick and Marquel are going home. Patrick says that a lot of people “not just girls” have said that he’d make a good husband. Big money on Andrew being one of the ‘not girls.’ These two will be fine and in love forever and I would probably watch a spin off following their bromance even though Andrew is garbage and Patrick has said like three words this whole season. BUT WHAT ABOUT MARQUEL?!
He’s so sad and genuine and emotional in his exit and it seriously breaks my heart. Goodbye, Marquel. I will miss your pattern on pattern outfits and your beautiful teeth and your passion for cookies. I would be totally on board for a Marquel as the Bachelor season, but I think we all know that will never happen because The Bachelor franchise is basically Andrew in show form.
See you next week!