SEX DATES! SEX DATES! SEX DATES! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! As a reminder, this is really important to Andi because last time she went into the fantasy suites, Juan Pablo revealed that he was a practicing satanist and asked Andi if he could wear her skin as a poncho… Or something equally as appalling, I assume based on her reaction.
But before Andi can get to the business of exploring the bodies of her three remaining boyfriends, it’s time for a quick trip down memory lane. Josh has “dark hair, piercing eyes, olive skive, he’s tall, he’s built…” uh, Andi? Do you need some alone time? Save it for the suite! But despite all his amazing (physical) qualities, Andi’s concerned because he’s an athlete, is similar to guys she’s dated before and looks like he could be her brother. I may have added that last part. Then there’s Chris, who “has it all”… if only he lived literally anywhere else, and Nick who is “shy and skeptical” and also maybe a sociopath, but who Andi inexplicably has an insane physical chemistry with.
First up is Nick, who is already brimming over with anxiety about having to tell Andi that his feelings have upgraded from “falling” to full on capital L LOVE. They hop in a helicopter, and Andi condescends that she’s so happy that she can be there for his very first helicopter ride, as if it’s something that every person should have already accomplished by age 33.
Once they arrive at their private beach, Andi gets to the very fun business of interrogating Nick on just how much of a mess he was after his last break up. Andi seems satisfied with this admission of vulnerability (drink!) and gets to the cuddling. Nick attempts to drop the L bomb several times, each time less successful than the last, until he’s lying on the sand, stammering an incoherent sentence punctuated by a thousand awkward “ums” and “likes.”
At dinner, Nick has come with a hand made illustrated fairy tale story. Normally these aggressively nostalgic gifts are reserved for the final dates, but Nick works better with a script. He reads her the story, which rambles on for so long that I nodded off a few times. The story concludes with “Princess Andi” and stick figure Nick going into a “magical fantasy suite” and stick figure Nick professing his true feelings. Andi’s presentation of the actual fantasy suite card and her apparent excitement are enough to inspire real life Nick to follow stick figure Nick’s lead. He leads her away from the cameras (but only long enough for the camera men to roll their eyes, lift their equipment and quickly follow) and launches into a romcom style “I love you” speech. Andi is INTO it, and they make out in that perverse way that these two are known to do, before IMMEDIATELY kicking the crew out of the suite. It’s ON.
The next day, it’s Josh’s turn to romance Andi, and now that she’s gotten the present tense L bomb out of Nick, she’s expecting the same from Josh. The two spend their day shopping in a local outdoor market, where Josh uses his grasp on the Spanish language to secure some sort of herbal aphrodisiac that is known to “help men function.” In a surprising twist, both Andi and Josh publicly acknowledge that they are totally going to bang that night, as Josh says “she says thank you!” upon receiving the performance enhancer, and Andi echos her own “gracias!”
The date also includes some very cute dancing and some baseball with children, because heaven forbid we forget for even one second that Josh is an athlete. In a truly shocking moment, Josh tells Andi exactly what she wants to hear before the date is even halfway over, confidently telling her he loves her, and admitting that he’s never felt like this about anyone else. Sucks to be an ex of Josh’s!
At dinner, Andi tries very hard to come up with additional concerns, her original qualms having been thwarted with Josh’s lunchtime declaration of love. Is Josh ready for a family? Is he serious enough to settle down? Josh quickly shuts this down. You see, they just played a game of baseball with some producer-screened children in a completely controlled environment, which means that he and Andi are going to be great parents. Andi’s resolve is breaking as she realizes that she’s totally going to pick a jock from Atlanta who she could have absolutely met on PlentyOfFish.com. They make out and head to the pool for some hanky panky.
Poor Chris is definitely only still here because his family rules and because Marcus was too stupid to realize that a strip tease isn’t a good date for 10AM. He greets Andi, and they head to “Danger Ranch” (subtle, guys) for some horseback riding. Andi, desperately conveying that she is maybe not down for farm life, HATES the horses and spends the whole time looking super uncomfortable (“What’s happening? Why is he trotting?”). When they get off the horses, they spend almost the entirety of the date talking about how great Chris’s family is, and then they play another round of Ghost in the Graveyard in broad daylight, because that’s how little these two have to talk about.
At dinner, again, Andi talks about how great Iowa was, because Chris’s family is maybe the only thing she likes about him. This is a natural segue into Chris getting a gut check on whether or not Andi actually wants to become the 759th person in his town. LOL nope. He knows how much of a transition it would be, and says multiple times that it would be difficult. Props to him for talking about this like it’s real life, even though she’s clearly not even entertaining the idea. Andi is rocking full on duck face and furrowed brow when Chris says that he is in love with her. The tears start flowing as Andi admits that it’s not happening. She says it’s not fair to say that it’s because of Iowa. Yes, Andi. Heaven forbid he think that this rejection isn’t personal. Chris, nice guy that he is, handles it extremely gracefully.
So this is it, Chris is being put out to pasture, ready to spend the next few months getting ready to be announced as the Bachelor, because that seems obvious. Speaking of, the only way I will be happy about that is if next season is set in Iowa and involves his prospective brides bailing hay and milking cows. Bonus points if all the women live in a house without electricity, Frontier House-style. And yes, I know that Chris lives in a giant house with all amenities and that he has people who do his farming for him and he is more of a business man than a farmer at this point but THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
And so it is, the final two are revealed. No surprises, no fanfare. Both Nick and Josh accept their roses, and we’re off to the races. Next week is the dreaded Men Tell All. Will Dylan address the personal hygiene controversy? Will Andrew and Patrick reveal that they’ve eloped and adopted a three legged cat? What kind of pants will JJ wear?! These are the questions people. These are the questions.