Last night, the Men Told All, and it was mostly uneventful. Rather than torture myself with the monstrous task of recapping the many, many ways in which Andrew dug himself into a giant, racism-shaped hole (mixing up the only two people of color’s names? Seriously?), let’s run down some highlights.
- Ashley and JP, how could you? My favorite Bachelorette couple betrayed me by letting an ultrasound technician (who I assume will be endlessly mocked by his colleagues) grease up Ashley’s belly and reveal the sex of the baby to the studio audience. At the very least, couldn’t we have done something a little more pinterest-y and a little less clinical for the reveal? Cut into a cake to reveal blue food coloring, open a box full of blue balloons, reveal Chris Bukowski wearing a blue bonnet and an “it’s a boy!” onesie (let’s be honest, that dude’s got nothing else going on)… the options are endless. Ashley, Jape. I expect more from you.
- Tasteful accessories. All the men entered the studio wearing matching flouncy scarves, a nod to the atrocious fashion choices made by the men throughout the season.
- Audience participation. Nick’s sneaky visit to the front desk to find out which room Andi was staying in by pretending to be her husband was one of the most egregiously producer-planted offenses to date. Until last night. “Excuse me, Chris?” the audience member said, from a conveniently within in frame seat, wearing professionally applied make up. “You’re not even mic-ed!” said Harrison, as he undoubtedly winked to the poor soul tasked with holding the boom mic just out of frame. This led to fraudience member Catherine getting a “speed date” with Chris during the break, and giving him her phone number – all of which was conveniently captured on camera. You see, ladies? Farmer Chris is desirable! Don’t you want to apply to date him on an upcoming season of The Bachelor?!??!
- Marquel still loves cookies, is the best. He wore a goddamn cookie on his lapel. He tossed black and white cookies into the audience. He was charming and funny in the hot seat and managed to keep his cool during the Andrew nonsense. #TEAMMARQUEL.
- Prepare yourself for the greatest television event in the history of ever. The night was peppered with Chris saying things like “Marcus/Marquel/Cody, do you think you’d be open to finding love… IN PARADISE?!” As well as about a million extended promos in commercial breaks. As far as I can tell, Bachelor In Paradise is going to be 90% crying and 10% mortal peril and I. CANNOT. WAIT.