“The Bachelor” Season 19, Episode 2: Zombies and Drunks

OMG IT’S HERE! Okay, it was here last week. But seriously? Who has the energy to recap 30 goddamn limo entrances. I’m exhausted even remembering the karaoke machine and the daisy dukes and the seemingly 24 hour long rose ceremony.

Speaking of, it is fully DAYTIME when the recently eliminated brunette yoga instructor Kimberly cries and makes her case for Chris to give her one more chance. Everyone looks so tired and terrible. “What are you thinking?!” she shouts desperately, when Chris doesn’t immediately respond to her plea. Harrison is SO pissed that he got pulled out of his feather hammock to consult and is like “no seriously, let’s kick her out RIGHT NOW.” Chris is like “but dude… she’s a yoga instructor” and lets Kimmy back in the game.

Harrison repeatedly asks Chris and the ladies if anyone remembers anything from last night, which makes me think that shit was a lot more messy than this editing is indicating and that Harrison maybe made out with at least one of these bachelorettes. As he encourages the girls to break into Chris’s bachelor pad (THERE ARE NO RULES), we are treated to the first of (to be sure) MANY outdoor showering shots from Chris, because OF COURSE he has to have GD outdoor shower. What’s the over/under on how many girls he takes in there this season?

The first date is for Jade, Tandra, Ashley I., Mackenzie, Kimberly and Tara. The date card says something along the lines of “show me your country,” so naturally it’s a pool party date. Because everyone knows that “country” means cleavage. The recently eliminated and resurrected Kimberly is first with the alone time, and she’s really bringing the “PLEASE LIKE ME” energy and it’s not working.

After some pool time the crew takes their swim suits for a very casual hike up a busy street to do some tractor drag racing. In bikinis. Normal stuff! Nothing to see here. Ashley I. and her bikini chain/belly button ring combo wins the race and scores some extra time with Chris, which she effectively uses to sit on his lap and awkwardly try to pull some exorcism nonsense so that she can accomplish eye contact while maintaining maximum ass to crotch contact.

Back at the house we learn that Juelia was married to her baby daddy, who committed suicide when their daughter was a baby. So that’s two widows so far (Kendra is the other). Methinks this is going to be a tearful season.

Back on the date, despite Ashley’s best belly chain moves, it’s Mackenzie (THE 21-YEAR-OLD WITH A CHILD NAMED KALE) who has apparently tickled Chris’s fancy, as he invites her to continue on for a one-on-one date. On top of being a 21-year-old baby, Mackenzie also lacks any self-awareness, made evident by her lengthy ode to big noses and her unabashed belief in aliens. She also says that she hasn’t been on a date in “soooo long,” but seeing as she has a 2 year old kid, it can’t have been THAT long, since you know, certain things have to happen to make a baby. Ask your parents.

She drops the kid bomb (the kid whose name is Kale. You know, like the superfood?) and squeals and giggles and crazy-eyes all over the place as Chris says he’s not afraid of children. Well I’d certainly hope not, considering he’s on a date with one right now. She gets the rose and a kiss (or five, to hear her tell it).

Mackenzie’s child, presumably.

The first one on one date goes to Megan, the 24-year-old make up artist. They hop into the first helicopter of the season and check out some desert scenery, during which Megan says the word “amazing” no less than 400 times. They set up shop at the Grand Canyon, where Megan tells Chris that she came on the show last minute, after her dad suffered a massive heart attack, was declared brain dead and then died. Because why wouldn’t you sign on to be completely unreachable for 6 weeks after a massive family tragedy? Makes sense to me! The sob story is enough to warrant a rose. Megan has “never been this happy in [her] entire life,” which is REALLY sad for Megan.

The next group date is for Kelsey, Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Britt. The card says “Til death do us part,” and it starts late at night. The limo pulls up and some low budget Walking Dead zombies appear. Everyone is screaming like crazy, except for Ashley S., who just seems eager to hop out of the limo and make some new friends.

The actual pretense of the date is pretty fun – basically hunting zombies with paintball guns. Ashley S. either doesn’t understand the rules or can’t tell the difference between her fellow bachelorettes and the made-up zombies, as she eagerly awaits shooting literally anything.

The face of a totally sane person being totally normal and relatable.

Once they are let loose, Ashley goes full on bonkers, shooting the zombies several times after they’ve “died,” probably forgetting that these are real people who are likely getting a nice welt with every paint pellet.

Kaitlyn steals some one-on-one time, where she continues to be the “cool girl.” She tells Chris that she just wants to laugh and have a good time, and he’s definitely picking up what she’s putting down… with his lips… on her  lips. They kiss. That’s what I mean.

Ashley S. reappears for some truly insane one-on-one time with Chris. She’s not making any sense at all, and seems genuinely confused about where she is. Chris finally manages to escape for a confessional, but Ashley is a virus that cannot be cured. She sneaks out from an alley to sniff Chris’s jacket, because why wouldn’t you? When Chris asks if she’s okay, she responds with “I don’t even know what you’re asking me.” Needless to say, everything seems to be going great for Ashley.

black and white animated GIF

Chris sends her away and grabs Britt next. He’s brought her a “free kiss” card, to compliment her “free hug from Britt” card from her limo exit last week. Chris is really letting the kisses fly, huh? Despite their magical time, though, it’s Kaitlyn and her jokes that wins the rose.

Cocktail party time! Whitney (the fertility nurse who I expect will go far because she has a real job and doesn’t seem to have any fame aspirations, which I would imagine Chris would be averse to) is up first, and she’s brought his favorite bottle of whiskey for a cute little toast.

The best part of the party, though, is Mackenzie learning that belly chain Ashley I. is a virgin. Mack is full of jealousy, because everyone knows that guys like to take girls’ virginities, and Chris is going to think that’s so hot.”I have a kid, I can’t even pretend.” she says, completely seriously. #neverchange

For her alone time, Ashley wants to make it clear that while she may be a virgin, she’s definitely down to have a good time/be a freak. She accomplishes this by having Chris rub her belly button ring and then straight up EATING HIS FACE. Seriously this might be the most graphic make out in 19 seasons of garbage.

The rest of the party goes by without incident, with Amber scoring a kiss and Jordan being eternally wasted.

ROSE CEREMONY: Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia, Amber, Tracy, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney and Ashley S. get roses. HAHA. I don’t care that it’s a producer plant, I’m so happy she’s sticking around. Really looking forward to some shots of her standing over other women’s sleeping bodies and confiding in inanimate objects.

That means that Tandra, Kimberly (again), Alissa, Jordan (too drunk to care) and Tara are sent home. Tara wins the award for saddest exit thus far, as she cries that she’s never anyone’s number one and that this will haunt her for the rest of her life. Woof. Iowa’s not that great, sister.

Next week! Jimmy Kimmel is going to be here? Sure, why not?

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