“The Bachelor” Season 19, Episode 4: Like Two Virgins

After a hiatus last week I swear I am back for this season because seriously? It’s good. Who would have thought? Farmer Chris may be boring, but this season is not. There are so many insane women! Let’s talk about this week’s episode.

Harrison greets the girls, telling them that “obviously [he] talks to Chris all the time.” I assume the editors did him a solid by cutting out the rest of that sentiment, when he talks about how they are “definitely best friends” and “tell each other all of their secrets” and “their relationship is just really EASY, Juan Pablo.” He continues to say that even though they are like totally really close and totally get each other, and it just like.. makes sense when they’re together, Chris’s three sisters – who might know him slightly better than Harrison but probably only because they’ve had more time with him – are going to be visiting to give out the one-on-one date.

Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey are not going to have the chance to vie for that highly sought after first date, since they are heading off to a group date to “do what feels natural.” All the women assume this will mean taking off their makeup and send a lot of pointed looks in Ashley I is for Eyelashes’ direction.

Chris and the gals hop into two cars, and Ashley I. manages to get the passenger seat in the farmer car. “A guy driving is like.. one of the sexiest things he can do,” she says, which is great news for every guy over the age of 16. Seriously she must be turned on literally all the time.

The women arrive at a lake for their date, and Ashley and Kaitlyn quickly take the opportunity to strip down and jump in the water. Kelsey is throwing all sort of shade because this is a “date for bimbos” and also because this lake is not living up to the Michigan lake game that she’s used to. She’s not wrong, though. Lake Michigan brings it for real.

Michigan lakes be like…

 

Back at the house, Chris’s sisters arrive as Jillian snoozes on the patio, her ass censored out as usual. I’m starting to think the constant censor bar in Jillian is mean-spirited. Leave her booty alone! She wakes up in time to join the party, and after a brief talk the sisters announce that they’re going to spend some solo time with each of the ladies before making a decision.

The ladies quickly cycle through. Whitney ruins her chances by admitting she already had a one-on-one date, but ups her chances by looking like she could be the fourth sister. Britt announces that she thinks she’s the front runner, and the sisters are clearly side eyeing her since she’s a waitress from Hollywood and they know what that means. Becca, Nikki and Jillian get rapid fire cuts about being up for Iowa, and then Jade gets the swelling romantic music as she talks about starting an organic makeup company??

The final interview is with Carly, who cries that she’s never had a guy be nice to her, and that she wants to have the type of relationship that her grandparents had. “I want him to be like my grandpa, you know?” she says. And while I totally understand the sentiment and feel for Carly in this moment, both as a fellow name twin and as a WOMAN (ugh, dating, right?) I think maybe she could have rethought that last sentence.

Tears can’t compete with free samples, though, so Jade gets the date from the sisters, which is going to be Cinderella-themed because Disney is promoting that movie.

Back on the group date, Chris announces that he and the ladies will be camping and Kelsey is about to torch the whole beach to the ground. He’ll have his own tent right around the corner (hmm I wonder if someone will take advantage of that? Seems unlikely), and the gals will pair up in tents of their own. In a true twist, Ashley I. and Mackenzie struggle with figuring out how to pitch theirs.

The night continues with some grilling and some boozing, and somehow Ashley I. appears to have somehow put on MORE makeup on the course of this “natural” date. Everyone gets drunk and splits time vying for solo time with Chris and dancing around the fire.

AND THEN, from the flames comes my queen, Ashley S. Armed with a case of hiccups and her signature crazy eyes, she sits Chris down and opens with a very casual “what are you?” Before he can answer, she kisses him mid sentence. “I really love you. I love everything about you,” she whispers, to Chris’s terror. “I hope this resonates within your mind tonight,” she concludes, before drifting off into nature to never be seen or heard from again (probably).

Ashley I. and her ever-growing lashes snags the last one-on-one, which as usual descends into a really disgusting make out session. Chris is going to be so disappointed when he learns Ashley is (pretending to) have her v-card, since he so obviously just wants to bang her. That girl is not going anywhere near a farm in Iowa.

The mascara and the tongue weren’t enough though, and it’s Kaitlyn who gets the rose (once again). “I feel great. This is awesome. And I’m drunk,” she says, because she’s the only one here who seems to be actually having a great time.

Once everyone goes to sleep, Ashley I. sneaks into Chris’s tent to tell him how “freaking innocent” she is. Poor Chris is fully in the midst of drunk sleep as she enters, and can hardly string a sentence together in response to her claims that she’s never had a boyfriend and is a nerd. She thinks that she’s telling him she’s a virgin, but those words are never actually said and Chris is definitely not getting the picture. She confessionalizes that she isn’t a hookup girl, which she illustrates artfully by mounting him and diving head first into his mouth.

Jade’s date is a 10-minute promotion for Disney’s Cinderella. She gets a team to provide a makeover and prep her for the ball, and would you even believe that Ashley I. is jealous of this? This is going to be really hard to even imagine, but Ashley actually really wants to be a princess and would have liked to have people primp her. Life is so unfair.

After watching some footage from the movie and choosing a truly awful dress, Jade is off to meet Chris, who doesn’t know who’s going to be joining him for the evening. After practicing his waltz moves like a total n00b, Jade arrives, and Chris seems excited enough to see her.

Over dinner, the two bond over being previously engaged at a young age. He gives her the rose and interviews how great the date was, even though we barely got to see any of it because it was probably really boring. They end the night by dancing in front of a giant screen projecting Cinderella and then having Jade run down the stairs at the stroke of midnight. Come on, show.

Back at the house, Ashley I. continues to be completely insufferable as she eats corn on the cob in a sparkly dress that she brought SPECIFICALLY for a princess date. Ugh, someone call the Waaah-mbulance.

The final date card of the episode invites Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca to “get dirty.” We quickly learn that this means putting on ugly wedding dresses and then doing some sort of Tough Mudder-esque race, with the winner getting one-on-one time with Chris.

Obviously Jillian crushes this challenge. She’s so much more athletic than everyone, and she’s insanely competitive, and pretty much all the women just give up after the first obstacle because it’s a lost cause.

During their alone time, Jillian talks incessantly and then really puts a bow on things by asking him whether he’d rather sleep with a crazy homeless girl or not have sex for five years. You know, Jillian? That’s a really great question. One for the ages. Chris declines to answer and promptly sends Jillian home. At least she can avoid the embarrassment of more butt censoring?

Cocktail party! Rapid fire! Megan blindfolds Chris and feeds him chocolate-dipped fruit, Ashley I. clarifies to Chris that she was actually trying to tell him that she’s a virgin, Becca admits to the other girls that she’s also a virgin and seems genuinely confused why everyone is being so crazy about it, Ashley I. cries because Chris didn’t immediately try to snatch said virginity upon learning the news, and Britt wants answers for why Chris gave the rose to Kaitlyn after she skinny dipped. That last one leads to Chris getting really high and mighty about wanting a wife and inviting anyone who is questioning his integrity to get the eff out before the rose ceremony.

So, who’s getting roses? Joining Kaitlyn and Jade for the next week are Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha (who?), Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashley I., and Britt. That means that Juelia, Nikki (who?) and Ashley S. are heading home. Everyone seems sad for Juelia, probably because she’s had some really bad luck and seems really sweet, but I am entirely consumed by my grief for losing Ashley S. She goes out in a blaze of glory, admitting to the camera “I feel nothing. I have no feelings,” before blinking one of those signature reeeeeeeally slow blinks and drifting off camera.

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