“The Bachelorette” Season 10, Episode 7: Mussels and Muscles in Brussels

We’re in Brussels, and Andi is selling how great the city is so hard that one wonders whether Belgium is in contention to receive a rose tonight or if the Belgium Director of Tourism is just outside of frame holding a baseball bat. This is the last week before hometowns, and things are (as always) getting real.

Harrison greets the guys in his “I’m not a regular host, I’m a cool host” casual cool blazer and v-neck outfit. Meanwhile, half the men are wearing matching scarves while the other half are in the slight variations of the same hoodie. Guys, it’s hard enough to tell you apart, can you at least wear unique ensembles? Nick got the memo, because he’s the only a-hole wearing a skin tight leather jacket. Dude, you gotta stop buying your outerwear at Limited Too.

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Nick, basically all the time.

Harrison tells the guys that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date, and the only pre-ceremony rose will be given out during the group date. Marcus, despite wearing perhaps the most offensive of the hybrid plaid/tie-dye scarves, gets the first solo date.

Today’s date is all about making sure Marcus is there for the right reasons, since at one point he mentioned that being on a television show where you compete for someone’s love is just A TINY BIT WEIRD. Marcus and Andi sit down for some mussels, and Marcus references his journal. Oh god, there’s nothing I love more than a serious talk about journaling. Marcus tells Andi that he’s been writing about his feelings for her, and once again tells her that he’s in love with her so it’s balls to the wall from here on out.

At dinner later, Marcus gives the low down on his family, including the fact that his father walked out at a young age. “That’s not your fault,” Andi says, fixing years of abandonment issues, I’m sure. Marcus continues to talk about his family, and how his mom was tough to grow up with, referencing some abuse. Yikes. The tension with his mom was especially difficult in his “early 20s” which, if I’m not mistaken, was like last year. Andi says that she knows more about Marcus than she does most people in her life, which makes me really sad for the state of Andi’s friendships. There’s no rose on this date, but given how many times Marcus has dropped the L bomb and how many times his tongue was in Andi’s mouth, I think we all know he’s making it through.

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Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives for Josh. After Marcus makes it back to the hotel, Nick decides to take matters into his own hands, and go sneak into Andi’s room. He goes to the front desk, manned by a lovely young woman who does not do a very good job pretending that this “I need a key to my wife’s hotel room” thing wasn’t vetted by producers. After some initial confusion over whether Nick was there to drop an emotional bomb, the two go for a walk so that Nick can act nervous and love-y and try to lock up the group date rose before the date starts. Andi is loving every minute of this, especially when Nick pushes her up against a tree to hardcore mack on her.

The next day, Andi has hopefully washed Nick’s saliva off of her and is ready for her date with Josh. They wander around the city as Andi explains in confessional that she NEEDS Josh to open up about his feelings for her, since he hasn’t dropped an L bomb yet and she is getting antsy.

Later, Andi and Josh are having dinner in some sort of castle, where Andi can hopefully bully Josh into telling her he loves her. Since Nick and Marcus are both dropping L bombs like they are going out of style, Andi needs to know that Josh is ready to marry her. The thing that makes this so predictable is that because Josh is going to be the last one to say it, it’s going to feel bigger and more important, somehow, and that’s going to propel him right into the front lines.

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Andi pretends that she cares about Josh’s family, but only long enough to get to the real question: when his family asks him how he feels about her, what’s he going to say? He hedges for a moment before finally saying those magical words. He is falling in love with her. Not Marcus level “I’M IN LOVE AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!” but it’s enough for Andi to nearly jump off the couch with excitement. Hey, Andi? Let’s work on that poker face, girlfriend. They furiously make out in a number of locations before finding a semi-private concert, where they harsh everyone’s buzz by making out even more.

Chris, Nick, Brian and Dylan are joining Andi to check out some sacred ruins and vie for the first group date rose. Nick is certain that it’s his to lose, and spends some time shitting all over all the other dudes in his confessional. Ugh, Nick. Why you gotta be like this? Andi takes Chris aside first, playing Ghost in a pottery barn and making out a little. When they get back to the group, Andi tells them that once she hands out the rose, the rest of the guys will leave and she’ll spend the rest of the evening with the winner.

Dylan gets about 3 seconds of screen time in this date, so you know he’s doomed. I mean, let’s be honest. The only thing that anyone is going to remember about Dylan is that he doesn’t wash his hands after he uses the bathroom. Sweet, sweet Brian tells Andi that he’s falling in love with her, and she smiles in the same way one might smile at a kid who doesn’t realize that he has chocolate all over his face.

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Nick, who has quickly become an arrogant nightmare , antagonizes all the guys by talking extensively about how this rose means so much, and how he’s PRETTY confident. Man, his editing has taken a TURN this episode. I feel pretty confident that he’s been this weirdly competitive and cocky in all his interviews, but now that the winds are blowing Joshward, we’re seeing what Andi hasn’t been privy to thus far. If by some chance he does end up taking this thing, he’s going to have some ugliness to explain to his bride to be.

Unsurprisingly given his midnight tryst, Nick gets the rose. The guys are furious, and return home to explain the situation to Josh and Marcus. This leads to a super interesting conversation, where Josh mentions that Nick knows every season of this show top to bottom (LOL same) and that he’s strategized every move accordingly. Then Marcus says that he thinks he’ll make it to the top two and leave, because he wants to be The Bachelor. OMG Marcus is going to look like such a baller if that’s true.

Nick returns to the hotel and refuses to take off his terrible scarf and his terrible jacket because Nick LOVES ill advised outerwear. After a few moments of truly delightful awkward silence, the guys all launch into their attacks, calling out his gameplay and strategy. Nick, to his credit, remains infuriatingly calm, protected by layers and layers of bad fashion choices.

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Andi’s wearing another super heavy, mirror covered dress that is truly offensive to look at. Josh is first to get some time, but the audience and the editors know that he’ll be safe, so we don’t waste much time there. Chris tells her about Iowa, not so subtly hinting that he would be unwilling to move if they end up together, but also that he’s falling in love with her. Dylan uses his time to desperately say that he could see himself proposing in three weeks, which causes Andi to look like she could blow chunks at any moment. Brian gets about two words in before Nick interrupts to pull Andi aside for more kisses.

The rose ceremony is about to begin, but Chris grabs her for one last conversation. Nick looks like he’s going to be sick, but Chris just wants to steal a kiss, not to shit on his frenemy.

So! Who’s getting roses? Unsurprisingly, Josh, Marcus and Chris are the other three getting the hometowns. Dylan and Brian both cry in their interviews, and it’s kind of sad until you remember that Dylan admitted that he doesn’t wash his hands on national television and then you laugh and laugh and laugh.

Next week! Hometowns!

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“The Bachelorette” Season 10, Episode 6: Live and Let Lie

“Aw man I’m in Venice, this is crazy!” Cody says, clearly not recognizing how true that statement is. Andi greets him, his baby sized tee and the rest of the dudes on a dock, letting them know that the first one-on-one date is starting now. Cody is grinning like an idiot. He’s the only one who hasn’t had a solo date, so he’s sure today is his day. LOL not happening, muscles. Nick’s getting a second date to turn around his Negative Nancy reputation after last week. “I feel like I’m kind of like the pet dog of the group,” Cody says, as he smiles through his pain, looking not unlike a neglected puppy waiting for a treat.

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Cody, Self Portrait, 2014

Nick and Andi tour around Venice, doing really fun things like eating pizza in an alley and allowing pigeons to perch on various body parts. So romantic! Not disease-y at all! They hop in a gondola so that Nick can apologize for being a sourpuss on the group date and Andi can immediately forgive him.

Back at the hotel, Josh, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, JJ and Chris find out they are going on the group date. All the guys leap up and shake Cody’s hand and congratulate him for finally getting his one-on-one, which is an overblown reaction that makes me think that Cody, despite being a cartoon, is probably a really good hang.

For dinner, Nick and Andi are in their finest evening wear for a dinner in a really gorgeous building. Andi brings up the group date again, especially the “fight” with Cody. Andi’s rocking her patented “I’m listening” duck face as Nick says that it’s hard to imagine anyone else having as strong of a connection as they do, and that’s why the frontrunner conversation and resulting argument happened. Andi’s clearly buying what he’s selling, especially when he tells her that he’s falling in love with her. “Good. I like hearing that,” Andi says in response. Everyone’s dream response to a declaration of love! Andi gives Nick the rose, of course, and then they go outside and make out in front of some poor musicians who do their best to avert eye contact.

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Before the group date, Andi reads the third letter from her secret admirer. Oh, right. I forgot this was still a thing.

She and the fellas arrive at a castle packed with medieval weapons, and Andi tells the dudes that they will be undergoing a lie detector test, administered by two terrifying Italian men. To prove how honest and cool she is, she’ll be going first. Andi’s questions are super controversial: “is Italy your favorite country?” the mobster asks, along with “do you think your husband is in the remaining guys?” Spoiler alert: both answers are yes.

The guys get slightly more interesting questions. Of course there is the requisite “are you here for the right reasons?” But we also get stuff like “do you prefer blondes to brunettes?” and “are you good in bed?” The real OMG moment, though, comes when Dylan answers no to the question “do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom.” LOL nice knowing you, bro. Proving that restroom hygiene really is that important, he pulls Andi aside after the test to tell her that he’s come down with some sort of stomach bug and needs to go back to the hotel. Oh, also Chris is the secret admirer and is bummed that he won’t be able to reveal that on his own terms but like who cares when one of the guys is walking around covered in poop germs?

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So, the results indicate that of the six fellas, three told no lies, one told two lies, and two told three lies, while Andi lied twice. The scary proctor gives them the results in sealed envelopes. Brian, the idiot, immediately opens Andi’s envelope. Turns out Italy is NOT her favorite country. Andi decides not to look at the guys’ results because she trusts them and because she hates fun.

In the evening, Brian pulls Andi for some alone time first, and they do some self administered lie detecting, ending with the all important question of “do you want to make out?”

Meanwhile, the other dudes are discussing the secret admirer, trying to figure out who it might be/subtly making fun of it. “It’s weird that somebody… you know… really… what the hell? I mean… why would you do that?” says Chris, playing it SUPER cool as he drips with sweat.

Marcus pulls the oldest trick in the Bachelor book, saying that he almost walked away because this process is just SO HARD, but he stayed because she’s worth it and he’s in love with her. And then they make out like… for real. The kind of make out where you feel like a pervert if you don’t look away (I did not look away).

Josh is offended that he had to do the lie detector test because of their connection, and he says he’s glad that she ripped up the results. This immediately leads to Andi deciding that this must mean he has something to hide. They debate about whether or not he’s there for the right reasons (drink) and talk about their connection (chug), but all I can see is Josh’s super distracting, tightly knotted scarf.

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Can you even breathe? What gives?

Chris is up next, and he has a big set up about how he wasn’t honest about something. Andi catches on pretty quickly, because Chris is so earnest that he nearly burst into flames when trying to lie to the guys earlier, and calls him out for being the secret admirer. When they return to the group, Andi naturally gives the rose to Chris, because how can you not after that?

Andi walks away, but the cameras linger long enough to hear JJ berate the other men for congratulating Chris on his rose. He’s getting sick of everyone being so GD supportive, dammit! Chris immediately gets angry and defensive, dropping like 5 F bombs in two sentences and immediately becoming about a thousand times more attractive and interesting than before.

YES YES YES It’s time for Cody’s one-on-one! This is going to be so silly. They’re in Verona, and Andi is wearing a skort. Does Cody know how to not smile? All signs point to no. They go to Club Juliet, where people from all over the world write letters to Juliet, asking for love advice. Naturally, Cody and Andi are going to answer some letters, because who knows love better than two people who willingly went on an a reality dating show that boasts less than a 2% success rate?

Okay, confession. Cody’s response to a letter from a guy talking about being nervous and tongue tied around the girl of his dreams was really sweet. Also he got teary eyed talking about how much the date meant to him. You know who Cody should be hanging out with? Zac W. from Des’s season. Those two emotional meatheads would support the shit out of each other, and it would be beautiful to watch.

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He’s got your back, Cody.

It’s dinner time, and Cody is wearing the deepest v neck I have ever seen while Andi is some truly misguided skin color pants. Inspired by the day’s date, Cody has written his own Dear Juliet letter. Oh man. It’s so sweet, and it’s so sad how obviously not into him Andi is. UGH, Cody! You are about to get so upset. He finishes the letter, and then launches into a huge speech about how much he likes her and how he knows she’s going to fall in love with him. He’s being so sweet and so vulnerable and she starts crying because she can’t handle the niceness and WOOF, check please! Sweet, puppy dog Cody’s smile finally goes away as she explains that the romance just isn’t there. He’s sad, but understanding, and I am shocked by how much I am feeling for Cody the personal trainer with a heart of gold. There’s love for you, buddy! Call Zac! Pen pals!

It’s time for the cocktail party, and rose holding Nick is first up, and he gets Andi all hot and bothered thanks to some intense making out. The guys are annoyed that a rose holder went first, but Andi thinks “that’s a man.”

Dylan steals her away, leading to a quick montage of everyone else’s alone time. Brian very nearly plagiarizes the speech from 10 Things I Hate About You, which I am not even a little mad about, JJ steals a kiss that appears to go unappreciated, and Josh apologizes for the other night in a way that sounds suspiciously like yelling.

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Let’s get to the roses. First up: Dylan. UM WHAT?! She’s going to regret any hand holding as soon as she sees this episode, that’s a definite. Brian and Marcus are next, leaving Josh and JJ to vie for the final rose. Welp, JJ, it’s been fun. Good luck with the pants!

Next week: intrigue! fighting! lots of guys saying “the right reasons!” See you there!

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“The Bachelorette” Season 10, Episode 5: Mime Time in Marseilles

It’s been a whole two weeks since we’ve had to endure an episode. I feel somehow lighter, but the dulcet tones uttering “Tonight, on The Bachelorette” quickly bring me back to reality. This season is far from over.

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The episode’s intro features Marcus, Josh and Nick, because Andi is the easiest person to read in the world and we all know those three are in it for the long haul. We are also reminded that someone is writing Andi secret love notes and that Andrew maybe at one point got someone’s number which is kind of shitty, but really only to his one true love Patrick because let’s be real: he’s not here for Andi.

This week, the guys are finally getting some passport stamps, starting off in Marseilles, France, “a perfect place to fall in love.” You guys don’t think we’ll hear that again this season, right? After the guys spend some time publicly shouting various French pleasantries, something that I’m sure the locals are LOVING, they settle into the hotel and receive the first date card. It’s for Josh, so you know we have some face sucking to look forward to.

Harrison meets Andi, and he asks if she’s falling in love. “STAAAAHP!” she says, for like the 2903843294820398 time this season. What else is he supposed to ask you about, Andi? Legal advice?

After hanging around the town, Josh and Andi get on a boat and make out and heavily pet each other. Josh talks about how good at sports he is. He says that he stopped being a professional athlete because he wanted to start a family. LOL ok, Josh. That’s definitely the only reason that you walked away from an undoubtedly lucrative minor league baseball career. I’m sure the coaches were like ‘NO PLEASE STAY FOREVER!’

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Back at the house, JJ tells Marquel about how on the first night, Andrew made a comment after Marquel and Ron got roses, saying that the two “blackies” got roses. Oh good lord, Andrew. Marquel speaks to the camera, clearly emotional. “It would be nice to not be seen as, just, ‘Hey, this is a black guy.’ But I guess that’s what it is,” he says, before returning to the mansion packed with attractive white men. This show, man.

This poignant moment is interrupted by Josh and Andi, more attractive white people, who have gotten all gussied up for dinner at a palace. Andi talks about her concerns that he’s an athlete and there are stereotypes and maybe their connection is only physical. Josh quickly changes her mind by sharing the tragic story about how one time a girlfriend kissed someone else. Andi is all googly eyed at this absolute bare minimum of vulnerability, and rewards Josh with a rose, a private concert and a tongue bath.

The group date is the guys learning how to mime, because everything is terrible. After some preliminary lessons, it’s time to send the dudes out to perform for a crowd, because this show loves public humiliation. The people of Marseilles have no time for these busted ass mimers, although Marquel is pretty awesome at it. #TeamMarquel.

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In the evening, JJ is the first to snag some alone time, and he takes her to a nearby ferris wheel. He steals a kiss on the ride, and from where I’m standing Andi looks like she’s enjoying it as much as Nick enjoyed miming (read: NOT MUCH).

While she’s being assaulted by JJ’s tongue, the guys are all getting catty with each other, mostly because Nick (rightfully) thinks he’s a front runner and that annoys everyone. Andi senses the weirdness and tries to get Chris to rat out the dudes, while in the other room Cody rages against Nick for sassing him at some point? I think?

Nick and Andi go to talk, and she’s annoyed that he’s been “salty” on the date. He admits that he doesn’t love group dates, and that he also made fun of Cody at some point in time, and also he wrote her a poem. Oh god. Poetry is the last thing we need on this goddamn show. It works on Andi though, who immediately forgets whatever reservations she had moments before and begs him to mack up on her.

Marquel is really having  a hard time dealing with the Andrew thing, and decides that now, in the middle of the group date, in front of all the other dudes, is the time to talk about it. Andrew immediately goes on the defensive, saying that he never said it and that he treats everyone with equal respect. Marquel knows that there is no way of knowing whether or not it was said, so he simply says that he won’t ever tolerate that kind of talk and then walks away. DAMN! That is the best! He could have handled that a thousand more immature ways, but instead he made sure to defend his beliefs, and then he SHUT. IT. DOWN. Seriously, though: #TeamMarquel.

I'll just leave this here.

I’ll just leave this here.

Andrew’s strategy is to run to Andi and claim that he was attacked, before pretending like all this drama makes him question whether it’s worth it. LOL, Andrew. That only works if the girl likes you! JJ gets the rose and it’s time to move on.

Poor Brian has landed the marketing date, in which the Bachelor/Bachelorette and their date are forced to watch an upcoming feature film and aggressively talk about how great it all is. The 100 Foot Journey! Coming to a theater near you!

After the flick, which was about food, Andi and Brian pick up some groceries and head to her pad to cook. Brian apparently hates cooking even more than I do, as he completely shuts down and turns into a brutally awkward nightmare person for as long as they are in the kitchen. Finally, after forcing down some frog legs, the two decide to head out for a real meal. As soon as Brian is a stone’s throw from the kitchen he emerges from his fugue state and kisses Andi a bunch, apologizing for the afternoon. He gets the rose, and even manages to deliver a kiss to Andi from the restaurant’s kitchen, which is pretty smooth.

Andi’s rocking a serious Elsa-esque braid as she sits down with Harrison. She’s been doing some soul searching, and she knows who she wants to go home. She doesn’t want a  cocktail party, she just wants to LET IT GO (still not sick of that song, not sorry). SO here we go. Roses go to Marcus, Nick, Chris, Dylan and… Cody (LOL HOW IS THIS GUY STILL HERE?!). That means that Andrew, Patrick and Marquel are going home. Patrick says that a lot of people “not just girls” have said that he’d make a good husband. Big money on Andrew being one of the ‘not girls.’ These two will be fine and in love forever and I would probably watch a spin off following their bromance even though Andrew is garbage and Patrick has said like three words this whole season. BUT WHAT ABOUT MARQUEL?!

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He’s so sad and genuine and emotional in his exit and it seriously breaks my heart. Goodbye, Marquel. I will miss your pattern on pattern outfits and your beautiful teeth and your passion for cookies. I would be totally on board for a Marquel as the Bachelor season, but I think we all know that will never happen because The Bachelor franchise is basically Andrew in show form.

See you next week!

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“The Bachelorette” Season 10, Episode 4: P-p-p-poker Face

It’s day two of the longest week of my life, I mean the two part Bachelorette event. Tonight, the crew has traveled all the way to Connecticut. Man, not going too far this season, huh ABC? Tightening the purse strings? Is all travel money being reallocated into Chris Harrison and the underground drug trafficking ring I assume he is the head of?

After the boys all casually canoodle in a giant hot tub, it’s time for the first date card. This one goes to Dylan, who is nervous to tell Andi about his tragic past. This should be fun!

For their date, Andi and Dylan are taking over the Essex Steam Train for a scenic trip through New England. Right off the bat the two young lovers are chatting about the really fun stuff, like how long their last relationships were and why they ended. This segues very nicely into the next very sad topic, as Dylan explains that he found out his ex girlfriend of 8 years got engaged the day after his brother’s funeral. Andi stares blankly at him and asks not one follow up question. Dylan looks uncomfortable at Andi’s duck face and apparent lack of interest and changes the subject. ANDI! React! Are you a sociopath?

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Later, as they prepare for dinner, Andi talks about how she can tell Dylan wants to tell her about his past, and that she hopes he will open up. You know what might help that, Andi? Acting even just a tiny bit interested in anything he says. After Andi rudely tells him that he needs to get over being nervous around her, Dylan finally launches into his nightmarish past of both his brother and sister overdosing on drugs. Andi’s lips are reaching new duck heights the entire time, as she blandly says “yeah” to every dark turn in Dylan’s story, showing the same level of interest as if he was explaining the mechanics of a fax machine. Finally, by the end of the story, Andi’s eyes appear slightly moist, but she is definitely bringing the bare minimum of emotion to the table. Despite the very apparent lack of  chemistry, Dylan gets the rose because Andi may be a lot of things, but monster is not one of them.

The next day, JJ, Chris, Andrew, Eric, Nick, Cody, Tasos, Brian, Patrick and Josh join Andi for a basketball themed group date. Everyone is wearing workout clothes, with the exception of JJ, who is inexplicably wearing an over sized pair of sweat pants, a flannel button up and a knit cap.

Andi introduces a team of WNBA All Stars, who are there to quickly shame and emasculate our band of misfits. The amount of joy that I experience as Cody confidently goes for a layup only to have the ball unceremoniously slammed to the ground by one of the WNBA players cannot be properly articulated.

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After the far too short slaying of the bachelors by the WNBA rockstars, it’s time for Andi to divide up the guys to play for the chance to continue on to the night time portion of the date. It seems that the production staff made some errors in the budget, as only one team, The Rosebuds, is outfitted with professional jerseys. The other team is left with what appear to be high school jerseys, turned inside out and decorated with puffy paint.

Team Rosebuds is comprised of Brian, Marquel, Nick, Cody, Eric and Andrew, and Team “we ran out of money so please enjoy this arts and crafts project and don’t complain” is made up of Josh, Patrick, Chris, Tasos and JJ. Brian, being the basketball coach that he is, leads Team Rosebud to success, and Team Puffy Paint is sent packing. As usual, the losing team treats the loss with the same gravity as if they just watched their entire family get murdered in cold blood.

Eric gets the first one-on-one time at the cocktail party, and Andi wants to talk about how their relationship has stalled. Eric pretty quickly agrees, and calls out how formal all of their interactions have been. Andi seems a little combative as she accuses Eric of holding back. The conversation transitions to his family, and he tells her that he planned a trip back to the US in order to visit everyone in his family, since he wasn’t sure how long it would be until he could see them again. OH GOD. Then he talks about leaving the Mormon church, and how difficult it was because he feared he might lose his family, and JESUS CHRIST WHY IS THIS THE SADDEST SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE EVER?

Thank god, Brian is here to insert some levity, bringing Andi back on to the basketball court to show off some more. They flirt a bit, and then he nails a half court shot, causing Andi to basically have an orgasm on the spot, but Brian fails to notice and leaves her without a kiss.

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Thankfully for Andi, Nick is there to fulfill all kissing requirements, as the two spend their entire one on one time making out all over the place. But basketball beats tongue-ball, and Brian gets the rose on this date.

The last one-one-one is for Marcus, who is only 25 years old! I realized this season that these people are now my peers. Hell, I’m OLDER than this dude. Between Eric’s fate and this realization, the theme of my journey through Season 10 of The Bachelorette is MORTALITY.

Marcus is the lucky recipient of the Leap Of Faith date. They travel to the top of the hotel, where no amount of wind or whining from Andi will stop them from repelling down the side of the building. This goes pretty much as expected. Andi says “oh my god” and swears a bunch, as Marcus calmly encourages her to step off the ledge. “I need to be the man in this relationship and hide my fear,” he says to the camera, reinforcing everything that is wrong with everything in the world. His manly fear hiding works, though, and Andi musters enough courage to climb down and even kiss him along the way. She explains that the point of today’s date was seeing if Marcus could protect her. First of all, the rope protected you. Second of all, FEMINISM.

The dinner date is at a cute resort, where Marcus talks about not dating for 3 years and throws a napkin over the rose. Andi is clearly a smitten kitten, so it doesn’t take long for her to pin that boutonniere on Marcus’s lapel and take him to a private concert. You know what else doesn’t take long? Marcus telling Andi that he’s falling in love with her. YIKES.

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Before the one-on-one, we see Andi reading a love letter from a secret admirer. I’m guessing this will be an arc throughout the rest of the season, and we are seeing it in this edit because the author is the one Andi ultimately chooses.

Andi’s riding high off her anonymous love letter, the contents of which have given her the strength to wear a bedazzled gown that looks to way approximately 4,000 pounds. Tasos steals her away first. Andi is so obviously like “unsubscribe.” Marquel is next, and he uses his time to teach Andi self defense moves. I kind of want to be friends with Marquel.

Then comes Eric, who is here to continue their conversation from the other night. It seems that he’s been thinking a lot about it, and feels that she is the one who hasn’t been opening up to him, not the other way around. He tells her that she has a poker face, and makes a comment about her being a “TV actress” that does NOT go over well.

OKAY. This is weird. Everything escalates quickly, and soon Andi is crying. Eric tries to explain himself, since this all seems to stem from completely reasonable concerns that maybe weren’t expressed in the best way possible, but Andi is fired up and angry, and ultimately sends Eric away. Andi returns to the cocktail party full of rage, screaming at all the other guys to walk out if they don’t believe in her. Oof.

Listen. I don’t think Eric looks bad in this final appearance. As he gets into the car, he’s composed and clear and talking about how the whole experience just makes him more ready to find the right one, and it’s all very heartbreaking. That being said, was it really necessary to air that whole argument? Couldn’t they have inserted a Harrison interview where he explains that Andi and Eric both realized it wasn’t a match, and they decided he should leave before the rose ceremony that night? Do we really need to have his last appearance on television being one where he makes Andi cry (whether or not his reasoning was sound)? I’d say no, but I’m not the one in charge.

Instead, the segment that is cut is the rose ceremony. Because for some reason seeing Tasos get kicked to the curb is the thing that is unfair to Eric’s memory and his family. Harrison brings Andi out and they talk about Eric, and how that last conversation wasn’t ideal, but that he was a good dude and they’ll all miss him. And that’s that. Who knows if this was the right way to handle the situation? There probably isn’t a right way. No matter what the producers or Harrison did here, Eric still has a grieving family, and they’ve had to have their tragedy broadcast on national television, and talked about on silly blogs like this one, and that sucks.

And on that note, everyone go hug a loved one and quickly cancel any hang gliding reservations you might have made. We’ll be back for the next episode in two weeks, when hopefully things will be slightly less depressing. BYE!

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“The Bachelorette” Season 10, Episode 3: Boys To Men To Geezers

Well, here we go. This week, the powers that be are lying to us and labeling what is very clearly a scheduling snafu as a “special two part Bachelorette event.” The promos tease a very uneventful, run of the mill episode tonight, followed by a maybe slightly more interesting episode tomorrow. Let’s do it.

This week, Andi is staying at the Bacara resort in Santa Barbara. Fun fact! I recently stayed at this very same resort for a gorgeous wedding, so I’m pretty much on the same level as The Bachelorette. The top guys, it feels good.

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This week, the dudes will be traveling all the way to Santa Barbara for their dates. Harrison does his best to make this feel special and not like a forced product placement for Bacara (but guys, it is really pretty) and the guys muster up a half hearted round of applause for their underwhelming destination. The first person to get the date card is our very own first impression rose winner, Nick V., heretofore known as solely Nick (RIP Nick S). This is one of those dates where they talk a lot about how their “normal” lives will be. They rent bikes and play on the beach in front of a camera crew comprised of a thousand people. You know, like all average couples do!

They go on a hike and Nick talks about how crazy everything is. Meanwhile, Andi looks bored and/or miserable. Things seem to be going well! Lean on that hand some more, Andi! Tell us how you really feel! Nick tells Andi that he has a crush on her, and that he makes her feel like a 12-year-old boy. Really, Nick? Middle school? That’s the ideal time that you want to harken back to?

Dinner is at the Santa Barbara Court House, which means that Andi can very naturally guide the conversation to marriage. She wants to “dig deep” and find out why Nick is still single. Nick discloses that he was once engaged, and Andy pretends to be super chill, but her eyes turn into fireballs as Nick talks about how immature and dumb he was when he got engaged at 27. Andi says that she and Nick “have a lot in common — kind of, like, in a philosophical sense,” whatever the hell that means.

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I just realized Nick is wearing some sort of super tight, modified trenchcoat with a popped collar on this date. Nick, are you okay? Do you need to talk? Do you feel comfortable at home? This is a safe space.  Andi (who, by the way, is in a tank top, so obviously it’s not THAT COLD, NICK) pretends to be charmed by his openness and gives him the rose. They head up to balcony and make out a bunch, and Nick must be a hell of a kisser, because by the end of the mack sesh Andi is all googly eyed and seems to be unbothered by the fashion nightmare that Nick is perpetrating. She sees the potential with Nick, she says. Dude, what kind of black magic lives within Nick’s tongue? He looks like a Real Housewife right now!

The next day, it’s time for the group date, including Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick and Marcus. The card mentioned starting off on the right note, so the fellas rightfully assume that there is going to be some music involved.

The guys enter to find Boys II Men singing I’ll Make Love To You. The guys are all really excited. Particularly Bradley the opera singer, since he thinks this is his moment to shine.  Andi and the Boys/Men explain that the fellas will be split in two groups to perform the iconic song.  The rehearsal footage is basically torn straight from my nightmares.

For the performance, one group gets to wear nice tailored suits, while the other is in cardigans, bow ties and baseball caps. That seems unfair. Everyone is a mess during the song, but no one makes me feel more uncomfortable than Bradley, who operas his way through the song in a super try hard-y way. Basically this whole night reminded me of any time I’ve done karaoke, and there’s that one person who was probably the lead in show choir and then never did anything since and is using the sacred forum that is a divey karaoke bar to reclaim validation.

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At the cocktail party, Cody is first to get some one on one time, and Andi quickly tells him that the dudes have been saying that he has a girlfriend. We quickly realize that it’s all a huge prank when she says that the girlfriend is a stripper, because everyone knows strippers aren’t real people! LOLOLOL you got him good, Andi!

Back at the house, we learn that JJ the “pantsapreneur” is getting the next one-on-one date.

Marquel asks Andi what her favorite color is: “is black a color?” Oh, heavens. Marcus and Josh both score some heavy makeout sessions. Andi is so obviously in it for Josh, even though he has a dumb scarf on and does that thing where he talks through every kiss that everyone on this show does. Stop it! It’s weird and no one wants to see your tongues. He gets the rose though, so I guess it’s working.

Oh no. JJ the Pantsapreneur has the next one-on-one date, and he and Andi are getting made over to look 50 years older. The plan for the date is to walk around Santa Barbara and try to fool people into thinking it’s their 50th wedding anniversary. JJ emerges from the makeup chair looking absolutely terrible, while Andi looks like she got an uneven spray tan and a silver wig from the dollar store.

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Andi and JJ do seem like they are having fun, but this is the weirdest date in the world and I hate everything about it.

Continuing this season’s weirdly sad undertones, we return to the house to say goodbye to Ron. Apparently a close friend of his passed away, and he doesn’t feel he can stay. In the next package, we see Dylan explaining to Chris the farmer that he wants time with Andi to explain how he lost both his brother and sister to drugs. God, everything is so dark this season! What happened to over the pants HJs in hot tubs?

At dinner, Andi and JJ have taken off the makeup. Andi looks great, JJ looks like he’s maybe in the midst of a hallucinogenic trip. They have a boring conversation and JJ gets the rose, unsurprisingly.

OK so rose ceremony. Eric gets the first one on one, but it’s interrupted by a bouquet of flowers that were definitely lifted from a local funeral. They are from Nick, who is super smooth. Eric is like RUDE, but also props as Andi reads his note with a dreamy smile plastered on her face.

Elsewhere, Josh and JJ the Panstapreneur decide to confront Andrew because at some point on this journey, he apparently got the phone number of a waitress. Andrew flees to a bedroom to avoid engaging. Later, he returns to explain that he was the victim in all this. You see, that calculating waitress went ahead and shoved her number in his hand, and what else was he supposed to do except accept it and then brag about it?

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MEANWHILE, Marcus throws around the LOVE word quite a bit for someone who met Andi like a minute ago, which of course works wonders on our Bachelorette.

ROSES: Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan…. and Andrew, of course.

So long, Brett, the hairstylist with a mullet, and Bradley, the opera singer/vampire. We hardly knew ye!

I’ll see you tomorrow, when Andi will undoubtedly spend a good amount of time being indignant over the fact that one of the 13 guys she’s dating had the balls to talk to another woman.

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“The Bachelorette” Season 10, Episode 2: G Strings and Marble Bags

Well color me giddy, it sounds like someone’s about to get drunk and embarrassing on The Bachelorette. What have we done to deserve such a gift?! Bring on the fun! Bring on the shame!

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After last week’s rose ceremony, Andi has apparently finally realized that she is “officially the Bachelorette.” Yes, Andi. It’s true. That’s you in all those promotional photos! You’re here to find the Juan One. Surprise!

Back at the Bachelor pad, everyone is wearing their finest hoodies to commemorate the momentous occasion of moving in to a mansion that is definitely coated with sexually transmitted diseases. Harrison tells the fellas that this week will have two one-on-one dates and one group date. The first date card is for Eric. Oh. Well. This is sad.

Andi arrives at the mansion in her sassy convertible to pick up Eric. They go to the beach and build sandcastles and goof around, and as always, a girl’s ability to act like a child is deemed SUPAH SEXY. After a while, a helicopter appears in the distance to  take them to a second surprise location. Somewhere, Emil “like anal with an M” is shaking his fist and waving his helicopter pilot license, cursing what could have been.

They land at Bear Mountain, where they find a caricature of a human named Louie Vito who’s there to give them a snowboarding lesson. Eric is of course at ease because he’s athletic like that, while Andi repeatedly falls down. LOL girls are bad at sports!

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After romping around in the snow for a while, Andi and Eric are off to dinner at a pretty little cabin. Eric talks about a recent dangerous trip to Syria, where he faced off with a couple of militants and was so certain that he was going to die that he drafted a goodbye text to his parents. Oh god. This is too much. This is way too much. Then he talks about how he has a list of things that he knows he has to do before he has a kid, because once he has a kid he won’t risk the dangerous stuff. Guys, I can’t. It’s too sad. Everyone go hug your loved ones. RIP Eric. 😦

Back at the house, the group date card has arrived.  Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S., and Dylan are invited to “bare their souls.” Craig is white girl wasted as he yells about how excited he is to get naked. Casual.

On the date, Eric talks about his large family and how they are all married with three kids. Andi gives him the rose and they make smores. I’m ready for drunk shenanigans; this date has been an emotional roller coaster already.

The next day,  Andi greets her 14 dates in Hollywood, and explains that they will be stripping for charity. Natch. Scott, a nightmare wearing a leather blazer over a bare chest, explains that they will be performing a routine taught by the very oily Hollywood Men.

Like this, except that instead of it being perfect, imagine that it's the worst.

Like this, except that instead of it being perfect, imagine that it’s the worst.

The dudes are divided into the four different groups of women’s sexual fantasies: armed men, firemen and cowboys, with Nick S. and Marcus getting special solo routines as a robot and an aviator. OK wait. So in the world of the Hollywood Men, one of women’s greatest sexual fantasies is a robot? I would like to see the focus group that led to this conclusion.

Once the men are adequately greased up and stuffed into their “marble bags,” it is show time. Last season’s Sharlene and Kellly (the professional dog lover) are helping Andi judge this steaming pile of hot garbage. A few things worth noting: Craig is definitely sexually attracted to Josh (understandable), Nick S. wears a robot costume that was 100% constructed during the arts and crafts portion of a summer day camp and shows his butthole to the audience, and Marcus is actually a pretty good stripper.

After everyone has succeeded in bringing shame on themselves and their families, everyone gathers for the cocktail portion of the night. Craig immediately starts his slow crawl/stumble to drunktown as he immediately commandeers the toast in order to get the alcohol in his system as quickly as possible. Rapid fire one-on-ones! Brian is a teacher! Josh is not a stereotypical athlete! No one cares!

Meanwhile, Craig is screaming about how hot Josh is as he chugs brewskis and looks for shots. Good tactics! He’s sweating like a pig, and stumbling around the mansion trying to accost Andi for some solo time. When he manages to get her to sit down, Andi says he can ask her literally anything, to which he replies: “what’s your worst thing about your parents?” [silence] “Boom.”

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Andi escapes from Craig’s boozy clutches, but only temporarily, as he screams and jumps in the pool fully clothed, pulling her away from her solo time with Ron. The producers finally step in, forcing Craig to get dressed and go home to dry out. Well, that was embarrassing.

After our drunken friend is escorted away, Andi gives Marcus the date rose. Moving on!

The second one-on-one date is for Chris the farmer. For their date, Andi is bringing Chris to the horse races. She’s all dolled up, and has an outfit prepped for Chris, since that schmo showed up in shorts and a tee LIKE AN IDIOT.

A very nice old couple who were certainly placed on set by the producers ask Andi and Chris how long they’ve been together, before talking about how they themselves been together for 55 years. Then Chris calls Andi the most amazing woman on the planet. Maybe calm down a little, Chris. She’s fine, but like Hilary Clinton also lives on this planet so relax.

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At dinner, Andi’s just glad that Chris doesn’t have alcohol poisoning. She asks how someone hasn’t snatched Chris up, and he says he got close, getting engaged to someone he met in college. Andi looks like she might throw up, but then gathers herself together as he talks about how awesome he thinks she is. Flattery for the win! “You were the one I was hoping for,” he says as Andi salivates. Hello, rose! Hello private concert! Hello very awkward looking make out sesh!

Cocktail party! Andi is wearing an insane disco ball of a gown that makes my eyeballs hurt, and the guys are all nervous.

Nick V. of the first impression rose starts things off, presenting Andi with a date card and taking her outside to sip champagne. Well played, sir. They talk about not wanting to settle and finding true LURVE. Stop being normal, Nick V. That’s not what I’m here for.

Marquel is wearing an insane shirt/tie/sock combo that is so loud I can barely hear what he is saying. Marquel! You were so well dressed last week! What happened?

Shenanigans: puppets from Brett, plate breaking with some random guy who I think just snuck onto the mansion, sweet talkin’ and sweet mackin’ with Joshy Josh aaaand then there’s Craig. He’s apologizing with a guitar and a song about how he showed he showed his junk to everyone but still hopes he can stay. Oh Craig. I would maybe like to go to a frat party with you, but you are not life partner material.

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Rose time! Ron, Dylan, JJ, Marquel, Andrew, Tasos, Cody, Nick V., Patrick, Brian, Brett and Bradley receive roses. That means that Craig, Nick S. and Carl the hot fire fighter are going home. How do you send the hot firefighter home?? Andi what kind of madness is this? Carl is so hot! Carl! CAAAAAAAAAARL!

Well, that was a hot mess. Next week there are two episodes. TWO? Four hours of The Bachelorette? What kind of sick joke is this, Harrison!? (see you there)

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“The Bachelorette” Season 10, Episode 1: Meet the Suitors

It’s been a mere two months since Juan Pablo shat all over everything Chris Harrison stands for as he refused to say “I love you” on national television. Has Harrison recovered? Will he ever? Does he stab a Juan Pablo voodoo doll before bed each night, whispering “you were never there for the right reasons, were you?” as he sobs into a vat of cookie dough ice cream? We may never know. Tonight, though, we can all say a collective “ees ok” as we journey forward with the palate cleanser that is Andi Dorfman as The Bachelorette.

As always, the first episode is full of awkward introductions, promising characters who will undoubtedly disappoint us and at least one overly aggressive eliminatee. Let’s run down the highlights:

Andi’s First Impression Rose: Nick V. is a soft spoken software sales executive, who is cute in a dorky kind of way. He’s pretty forgettable in his limo exit (just introducing yourself? LAAAAAME), but he comes off as charming and normal in his one-on-one, as he talks about being one of 11 siblings. His reaction to receiving the first impression rose is filled with complete and utter disbelief, followed by an onslaught of  gratitude. It’s kind of sweet.

My First Impression Rose: Ummmm Marquel brought a cookie buffet. He also said “The love of my life right now is cookies.” So, obviously.

Most Anticipated Romance: So, I think Patrick and Andrew are maybe going to date? These two bachelors hit it off in a big way, as they repeatedly interviewed how great each other is in voice over. Mentions of Andi? Slim to none. “He’s definitely more of my caliber,” Patrick’s says in interview as Andrew subtly gets up and moves closer to Patrick. I think this might be the start of something beautiful, guys.

Worst EntranceOK so Brett approaching with a lamp that he stole from a hotel was really stupid, and Emil explaining that his name was like “anal, but with an m” is not hte smoothest, but can we talk about Cody the personal trainer for a hot second? He pushed the limo up the hill. Fine. Sure. It’s stupid but whatever. But what about that outfit?? A ridiculous blazer, collar popped, v-neck t-shirt and a faux hawk? Are you trying to kill me, Cody?

Dumbest Title: JJ, the pantsapreneur. NEXT. 

Most Sociopathic: Chris B, known from Emily Maynard’s season and from being a psycho on Bachelor Pad shows up at craft services to try to crash the party. Andi’s like “ummm I’ve seen that guy and his crazy eyes” and gives it a hard pass. Chris does not appear to take the rejection well, and the level of security required to escort him out leaves me half expecting him to drop in through the air vents at some point later this season.

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Saddest Moment: Starting off on a decidedly gloomy note, the episode opened with a tribute to one of this season’s contestants – Eric Hill – who met an untimely death shortly after finishing filming this season. Harrison says that in the coming weeks we will get to see his vibrant spirit, and that this season is dedicated to him. Jesus Christ, this is all terrible.

Eliminated: Emil the helicopter pilot, Mike the bartender with bad hair, Rudie the attorney, Jason the doctor with bad hair and Josh B, the “telecommunication marketer” who has a REAL BAD ATTITUDE.

In other news, the “this season on The Bachelorette” sizzle looks amazing. Here’s hoping for a fun season!

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