“The Bachelor” Season 19, Episode 5: Sex Gurus, Dead Husbands and Panic Attacks, Oh My!

First things first, my expectations for this episode are SKY HIGH. If Kelsey hasn’t murdered one of the other contestants or herself before these two hours are up, I’m going to be writing a strongly worded letter to Chris Harrison. I remember just a week ago, thinking of the all-too-soon loss of Ashley S. from this season, mourning the departure of the season crazo. Turns out, like the affable best friend in a romantic comedy, the real crazo has been right in front of us this whole time.

This week, Chris is taking the women to Santa Fe, a very exotic location, per Megan. “I’ve never been out of the country before!” She says excitedly.

Carly gets the first date card. “Let’s come together…” it says. Dirty! They arrive at a gorgeous spa where they meet a love and intimacy mentor. Wait… so the date card really meant that? Ah, show, your penchant for obscenely inappropriately first dates never fails to disappoint.

The love guru, Tziporah Kingsbury, tells Chris and Carly that she’s going to take them through a variety of exercises designed to add more “juiciness” to their relationship. They both put on white outfits and permanent looks of discomfort and we’re off to the races. Tziporah burns some sage and then has them rub each other and “om” together. Prince Farming is like a kid in church trying to stifle his giggles as he runs through the exercises.

Then things really get going. Carly is asked to blindfold Chris and then just rub him all over. And feed him strawberries covered in chocolate, and generally just make everyone painfully uncomfortable. Also Carly maybe doesn’t have the best hand-eye coordination, as evidenced by the fact that the chocolate appears to make it everywhere BUT inside Chris’s mouth.

It’s about this point that Chris “realizes” that this is not a love guru, she’s a sexpert. Or rather, it’s about the point when Carly has her hands on the ground and her ass in the air and Chris is gently rocking his pelvic region in her booty direction. What do you think tipped him off?

As with all first dates, we’ve come to the “unmasking ritual,” where the two will undress each other in silence so they can “go deeper.” After about five minutes, poor Carly (who has already admitted to Chris that she hasn’t been intimate with a gentleman caller in quite some time) admits her discomfort and the ritual stops before any pants hit the floor. The sex guru does her best to hide her disappointment as she tells them to shed their emotional masks instead, and Chris very sweetly tells Carly that she is worthy of love.

Since the sex guru can’t get these two to actually do the deed in front of her, she instead gives them a lesson on dry humping. Carly straddles Chris, and the only rule is no kissing. They breath deeply an inch from each other’s faces (hope everyone brushed their teeth this morning), look deep into each others’ eyes, and gyrate like teenagers. Finally the restriction is lifted and they make out.

Back on the date, Chris and Carly have thankfully vacated the sex spa and are having champagne. We learn why Carly was sent on this date in particular as she shares that her last boyfriend would barely touch her even though they dated for two years. Naturally, this created some insecurities in Carly and made her feel unwanted and not beautiful and all around pretty scarred. Sending the woman most afraid of physical intimacy into a sex dungeon? I see you, show. Chris returns the vulnerability, telling Carly that he’s afraid that at the end of this, where he’s from and what his life is will scare away whatever woman he chooses. This was a terribly awkward date, but I will give these two credit for having one of the very few real, dare I say deep conversations on this show.

Chris gives Carly the rose (thank god, I could not bare it if she was sent home on the physical intimacy date), and they make out some more. And then probably take cold showers.

Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Samantha, Becca, Ashley and Kelsey are next up for the group date, on which they are going rafting.

Whitney lands the sweet spot, sitting next to Chris in his raft, and he has some nice things to say about her in his interview. But the real drama for the date (and probably the reason the date happened in the first place, PRODUCERS) is when Jade falls into the water. You see, Jade has a disorder where her body slips into hypothermia at what would be normal temperatures for other people. Do you think they paid one of the other girls to make sure she ended up going overboard this date?

She’s pulled out, and Chris heroically rubs her feet until she regains sensation while Kelsey looks on jealously from afar, giving us another taste of the whole vat of crazy that is brewing underneath that plastered on smile.

As the ladies wait for Chris to arrive at the post-rafting cocktail party, Chris is ambushed by Jordan (the drunk eliminated in week 2), who drove from Colorado to ask for a second chance. Chris very obviously does not recognize Jordan as she approaches, and it’s hilarious. She tells him that she knows she drank too much when she was on the show, and that she didn’t focus on getting to know him because of it and wants a second chance to do it right. Points to Chris for being like “don’t get me wrong, I like to drink.” We know, Chris. We’ve seen your rap sheet.

And so he gives her a second chance and brings her with him to the cocktail party. It’s immediately revealed to have been a terrible decision, as every single girl uses their time with Chris to talk about how annoyed they are that she’s back. Ashley is particularly irked, pulling the “we are so different, if you like her you couldn’t possibly like me” bull on Chris, before yelling at all the other girls for not being mean enough to her.

Back at the house, Britt and Carly are talking about Britt’s upcoming date. Carly helpfully tells Britt that it would probably be a good idea to shower and shave her legs, because apparently Britt has not bathed in WEEKS? At first I thought maybe Carly was just trying to be mean, but Britt gleefully joins her, saying she might even wash her hair. The fun ends when she receives the date card, saying “Sky’s the limit.” She immediately starts sobbing because she has a crippling fear of heights. Hope she doesn’t pee her pants on the date or she’ll definitely be forced to shower.

Chris, having had enough time to read the room, swiftly sends Jordan home once again. He gives Whitney the rose, without even having seen her maturely explain to Ashley that just because you’re not happy about someone, doesn’t mean the solution is to be an asshole. Get it, Whitney!

Chris leaves and Ashley retreats to her boudoir to cry to Mackenzie because HOW could Whitney get the rose?! Everyone else is on Whitney’s side, including maybe Mackenzie, who quietly says that she’s never really seen anything bad in Whitney, as she strokes a distraught Ashley’s hair.

Mackenzie, in real life.

It’s 4:30 in the morning and Chris is going to surprise Britt for their date. Carly immediately wakes up and he shushes her (how romantic) before gently pulling a fully made-up Britt out of her slumber. Carly chimes in later to let us know that Britt not only sleeps in makeup, she actually reapplies before going to bed “just in case.” Well, I guess it paid off. Chris marvels in an interview that Britt looks just as great fresh out of bed as she does fully done up. Um, Chris, she is fully made up. That’s why she looks so good. You do know that eyes aren’t naturally smokey, right?

That tear-inducing fear of heights seems to have fully evaporated in the light of day, because Britt all but throws herself into the hot air balloon that Chris has procured for their date. She screams about how amazing it is the entire time, probably pissing off the producers who so carefully chose this date for her based on the false promise of a tearful breakdown.

After the disappointingly dull balloon ride, Britt and Chris return to Chris’s suite. Footage of the other women discussing how Britt has said that she isn’t sure about kids is intercut with her telling Chris that she wants like a 100 babies at least. Then, because there is no time like the present, Chris and Britt disappear into the bedroom behind closed doors to get a head start take a nap.

The next day, learning that Britt and Chris may have “delve[d] into the wondrous land of physical affection” the night before, Kelsey decides that now is her moment to share her sob story. She sneaks away from the other ladies to surprise Chris in his hotel room. Despite previously discussing her husband’s death with the same emotion one might display while talking about an undercooked piece of meat, Kelsey now manages to muster up tears as she clues Chris in to her widow-hood. Chris is appropriately sympathetic, and almost doesn’t flinch when a tear-stained Kelsey jumps in for a make out.

Listen. If I didn’t Google the shit out of Kelsey, I would be one thousand percent convinced that this story is entirely false. But there are pictures! There is an obituary! Does anyone else know Sanderson, though? Is there a P.I. in the house? I have so many questions about this relationship, for real.

Later, in a confessional, Kelsey fully transitions to the dark side of the moon, speaking straight to the camera: “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic. But it’s amazing. I love my story.” GIRL. She continues by saying that while this might be a story about Chris, but it’s also her story too. “This is the story of somebody who’s been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship. Everyone stay tuned, Monday nights at 8, to watch the love story unveiled.”

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At the rose ceremony, everyone is on edge. Everyone but Kelsey, who confidently tells everyone that she feels great. Chris appears, immediately tells all the other women about his conversation with Kelsey, and then disappears to have a man cry with Harrison.

Kelsey tries to act like she was TOTALLY planning on telling all the women about her sob story rendezvous, she was just waiting for the right moment. She’s being all high and mighty about everything as the ladies try and figure out what the heck is going on with Chris. How she does not realize that Chris running off is totally about her and how he’s stressing about having to tell the emotionally disturbed widow that it’s time for her to GTFO. She definitely does not get it though, as evidenced by her outburst of “He knows what he needs to do… it means I have to say goodbye to people” as in, the other girls who are getting sent home. OKAY, Kelsey.

Harrison comes back to let the ladies know that Chris has decided to cancel the cocktail party. He knows what he wants to do, and doesn’t want to have to face the women before he boots them. Do you think he’s afraid to be alone with Kelsey? I would be.

Ashley is upset, which is VERY surprising. She weeps to the camera that Kelsey is for sure going to get through now because her story is so much more traumatic than Ashley’s. Ashley. Being a virgin is not even a little traumatic. Be upset because Kelsey will probably smother you in your sleep, not because your fake backstory can’t compete.

Meanwhile, Kelsey is finally starting to realize that Chris’s behavior could also point to her being sent home. She walks away, and within seconds is on the floor, screaming and writhing around. She tells the medic that she’s having a panic attack, and then continues moaning…


I mean that is a fake panic attack. For sure. But I support it. Keep on showing those crazy colors, gals! I love you all exactly as you are.

Closing tag goes to sweet, sweet, dumb as rocks Megan, dancing around in a sombrero. I hope the producers at least pretended to stamp her passport at the airport.

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“The Bachelor” Season 19, Episode 4: Like Two Virgins

After a hiatus last week I swear I am back for this season because seriously? It’s good. Who would have thought? Farmer Chris may be boring, but this season is not. There are so many insane women! Let’s talk about this week’s episode.

Harrison greets the girls, telling them that “obviously [he] talks to Chris all the time.” I assume the editors did him a solid by cutting out the rest of that sentiment, when he talks about how they are “definitely best friends” and “tell each other all of their secrets” and “their relationship is just really EASY, Juan Pablo.” He continues to say that even though they are like totally really close and totally get each other, and it just like.. makes sense when they’re together, Chris’s three sisters – who might know him slightly better than Harrison but probably only because they’ve had more time with him – are going to be visiting to give out the one-on-one date.

Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey are not going to have the chance to vie for that highly sought after first date, since they are heading off to a group date to “do what feels natural.” All the women assume this will mean taking off their makeup and send a lot of pointed looks in Ashley I is for Eyelashes’ direction.

Chris and the gals hop into two cars, and Ashley I. manages to get the passenger seat in the farmer car. “A guy driving is like.. one of the sexiest things he can do,” she says, which is great news for every guy over the age of 16. Seriously she must be turned on literally all the time.

The women arrive at a lake for their date, and Ashley and Kaitlyn quickly take the opportunity to strip down and jump in the water. Kelsey is throwing all sort of shade because this is a “date for bimbos” and also because this lake is not living up to the Michigan lake game that she’s used to. She’s not wrong, though. Lake Michigan brings it for real.

Michigan lakes be like…


Back at the house, Chris’s sisters arrive as Jillian snoozes on the patio, her ass censored out as usual. I’m starting to think the constant censor bar in Jillian is mean-spirited. Leave her booty alone! She wakes up in time to join the party, and after a brief talk the sisters announce that they’re going to spend some solo time with each of the ladies before making a decision.

The ladies quickly cycle through. Whitney ruins her chances by admitting she already had a one-on-one date, but ups her chances by looking like she could be the fourth sister. Britt announces that she thinks she’s the front runner, and the sisters are clearly side eyeing her since she’s a waitress from Hollywood and they know what that means. Becca, Nikki and Jillian get rapid fire cuts about being up for Iowa, and then Jade gets the swelling romantic music as she talks about starting an organic makeup company??

The final interview is with Carly, who cries that she’s never had a guy be nice to her, and that she wants to have the type of relationship that her grandparents had. “I want him to be like my grandpa, you know?” she says. And while I totally understand the sentiment and feel for Carly in this moment, both as a fellow name twin and as a WOMAN (ugh, dating, right?) I think maybe she could have rethought that last sentence.

Tears can’t compete with free samples, though, so Jade gets the date from the sisters, which is going to be Cinderella-themed because Disney is promoting that movie.

Back on the group date, Chris announces that he and the ladies will be camping and Kelsey is about to torch the whole beach to the ground. He’ll have his own tent right around the corner (hmm I wonder if someone will take advantage of that? Seems unlikely), and the gals will pair up in tents of their own. In a true twist, Ashley I. and Mackenzie struggle with figuring out how to pitch theirs.

The night continues with some grilling and some boozing, and somehow Ashley I. appears to have somehow put on MORE makeup on the course of this “natural” date. Everyone gets drunk and splits time vying for solo time with Chris and dancing around the fire.

AND THEN, from the flames comes my queen, Ashley S. Armed with a case of hiccups and her signature crazy eyes, she sits Chris down and opens with a very casual “what are you?” Before he can answer, she kisses him mid sentence. “I really love you. I love everything about you,” she whispers, to Chris’s terror. “I hope this resonates within your mind tonight,” she concludes, before drifting off into nature to never be seen or heard from again (probably).

Ashley I. and her ever-growing lashes snags the last one-on-one, which as usual descends into a really disgusting make out session. Chris is going to be so disappointed when he learns Ashley is (pretending to) have her v-card, since he so obviously just wants to bang her. That girl is not going anywhere near a farm in Iowa.

The mascara and the tongue weren’t enough though, and it’s Kaitlyn who gets the rose (once again). “I feel great. This is awesome. And I’m drunk,” she says, because she’s the only one here who seems to be actually having a great time.

Once everyone goes to sleep, Ashley I. sneaks into Chris’s tent to tell him how “freaking innocent” she is. Poor Chris is fully in the midst of drunk sleep as she enters, and can hardly string a sentence together in response to her claims that she’s never had a boyfriend and is a nerd. She thinks that she’s telling him she’s a virgin, but those words are never actually said and Chris is definitely not getting the picture. She confessionalizes that she isn’t a hookup girl, which she illustrates artfully by mounting him and diving head first into his mouth.

Jade’s date is a 10-minute promotion for Disney’s Cinderella. She gets a team to provide a makeover and prep her for the ball, and would you even believe that Ashley I. is jealous of this? This is going to be really hard to even imagine, but Ashley actually really wants to be a princess and would have liked to have people primp her. Life is so unfair.

After watching some footage from the movie and choosing a truly awful dress, Jade is off to meet Chris, who doesn’t know who’s going to be joining him for the evening. After practicing his waltz moves like a total n00b, Jade arrives, and Chris seems excited enough to see her.

Over dinner, the two bond over being previously engaged at a young age. He gives her the rose and interviews how great the date was, even though we barely got to see any of it because it was probably really boring. They end the night by dancing in front of a giant screen projecting Cinderella and then having Jade run down the stairs at the stroke of midnight. Come on, show.

Back at the house, Ashley I. continues to be completely insufferable as she eats corn on the cob in a sparkly dress that she brought SPECIFICALLY for a princess date. Ugh, someone call the Waaah-mbulance.

The final date card of the episode invites Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca to “get dirty.” We quickly learn that this means putting on ugly wedding dresses and then doing some sort of Tough Mudder-esque race, with the winner getting one-on-one time with Chris.

Obviously Jillian crushes this challenge. She’s so much more athletic than everyone, and she’s insanely competitive, and pretty much all the women just give up after the first obstacle because it’s a lost cause.

During their alone time, Jillian talks incessantly and then really puts a bow on things by asking him whether he’d rather sleep with a crazy homeless girl or not have sex for five years. You know, Jillian? That’s a really great question. One for the ages. Chris declines to answer and promptly sends Jillian home. At least she can avoid the embarrassment of more butt censoring?

Cocktail party! Rapid fire! Megan blindfolds Chris and feeds him chocolate-dipped fruit, Ashley I. clarifies to Chris that she was actually trying to tell him that she’s a virgin, Becca admits to the other girls that she’s also a virgin and seems genuinely confused why everyone is being so crazy about it, Ashley I. cries because Chris didn’t immediately try to snatch said virginity upon learning the news, and Britt wants answers for why Chris gave the rose to Kaitlyn after she skinny dipped. That last one leads to Chris getting really high and mighty about wanting a wife and inviting anyone who is questioning his integrity to get the eff out before the rose ceremony.

So, who’s getting roses? Joining Kaitlyn and Jade for the next week are Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha (who?), Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashley I., and Britt. That means that Juelia, Nikki (who?) and Ashley S. are heading home. Everyone seems sad for Juelia, probably because she’s had some really bad luck and seems really sweet, but I am entirely consumed by my grief for losing Ashley S. She goes out in a blaze of glory, admitting to the camera “I feel nothing. I have no feelings,” before blinking one of those signature reeeeeeeally slow blinks and drifting off camera.

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“The Bachelor” Season 19, Episode 2: Zombies and Drunks

OMG IT’S HERE! Okay, it was here last week. But seriously? Who has the energy to recap 30 goddamn limo entrances. I’m exhausted even remembering the karaoke machine and the daisy dukes and the seemingly 24 hour long rose ceremony.

Speaking of, it is fully DAYTIME when the recently eliminated brunette yoga instructor Kimberly cries and makes her case for Chris to give her one more chance. Everyone looks so tired and terrible. “What are you thinking?!” she shouts desperately, when Chris doesn’t immediately respond to her plea. Harrison is SO pissed that he got pulled out of his feather hammock to consult and is like “no seriously, let’s kick her out RIGHT NOW.” Chris is like “but dude… she’s a yoga instructor” and lets Kimmy back in the game.

Harrison repeatedly asks Chris and the ladies if anyone remembers anything from last night, which makes me think that shit was a lot more messy than this editing is indicating and that Harrison maybe made out with at least one of these bachelorettes. As he encourages the girls to break into Chris’s bachelor pad (THERE ARE NO RULES), we are treated to the first of (to be sure) MANY outdoor showering shots from Chris, because OF COURSE he has to have GD outdoor shower. What’s the over/under on how many girls he takes in there this season?

The first date is for Jade, Tandra, Ashley I., Mackenzie, Kimberly and Tara. The date card says something along the lines of “show me your country,” so naturally it’s a pool party date. Because everyone knows that “country” means cleavage. The recently eliminated and resurrected Kimberly is first with the alone time, and she’s really bringing the “PLEASE LIKE ME” energy and it’s not working.

After some pool time the crew takes their swim suits for a very casual hike up a busy street to do some tractor drag racing. In bikinis. Normal stuff! Nothing to see here. Ashley I. and her bikini chain/belly button ring combo wins the race and scores some extra time with Chris, which she effectively uses to sit on his lap and awkwardly try to pull some exorcism nonsense so that she can accomplish eye contact while maintaining maximum ass to crotch contact.

Back at the house we learn that Juelia was married to her baby daddy, who committed suicide when their daughter was a baby. So that’s two widows so far (Kendra is the other). Methinks this is going to be a tearful season.

Back on the date, despite Ashley’s best belly chain moves, it’s Mackenzie (THE 21-YEAR-OLD WITH A CHILD NAMED KALE) who has apparently tickled Chris’s fancy, as he invites her to continue on for a one-on-one date. On top of being a 21-year-old baby, Mackenzie also lacks any self-awareness, made evident by her lengthy ode to big noses and her unabashed belief in aliens. She also says that she hasn’t been on a date in “soooo long,” but seeing as she has a 2 year old kid, it can’t have been THAT long, since you know, certain things have to happen to make a baby. Ask your parents.

She drops the kid bomb (the kid whose name is Kale. You know, like the superfood?) and squeals and giggles and crazy-eyes all over the place as Chris says he’s not afraid of children. Well I’d certainly hope not, considering he’s on a date with one right now. She gets the rose and a kiss (or five, to hear her tell it).

Mackenzie’s child, presumably.

The first one on one date goes to Megan, the 24-year-old make up artist. They hop into the first helicopter of the season and check out some desert scenery, during which Megan says the word “amazing” no less than 400 times. They set up shop at the Grand Canyon, where Megan tells Chris that she came on the show last minute, after her dad suffered a massive heart attack, was declared brain dead and then died. Because why wouldn’t you sign on to be completely unreachable for 6 weeks after a massive family tragedy? Makes sense to me! The sob story is enough to warrant a rose. Megan has “never been this happy in [her] entire life,” which is REALLY sad for Megan.

The next group date is for Kelsey, Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Britt. The card says “Til death do us part,” and it starts late at night. The limo pulls up and some low budget Walking Dead zombies appear. Everyone is screaming like crazy, except for Ashley S., who just seems eager to hop out of the limo and make some new friends.

The actual pretense of the date is pretty fun – basically hunting zombies with paintball guns. Ashley S. either doesn’t understand the rules or can’t tell the difference between her fellow bachelorettes and the made-up zombies, as she eagerly awaits shooting literally anything.

The face of a totally sane person being totally normal and relatable.

Once they are let loose, Ashley goes full on bonkers, shooting the zombies several times after they’ve “died,” probably forgetting that these are real people who are likely getting a nice welt with every paint pellet.

Kaitlyn steals some one-on-one time, where she continues to be the “cool girl.” She tells Chris that she just wants to laugh and have a good time, and he’s definitely picking up what she’s putting down… with his lips… on her  lips. They kiss. That’s what I mean.

Ashley S. reappears for some truly insane one-on-one time with Chris. She’s not making any sense at all, and seems genuinely confused about where she is. Chris finally manages to escape for a confessional, but Ashley is a virus that cannot be cured. She sneaks out from an alley to sniff Chris’s jacket, because why wouldn’t you? When Chris asks if she’s okay, she responds with “I don’t even know what you’re asking me.” Needless to say, everything seems to be going great for Ashley.

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Chris sends her away and grabs Britt next. He’s brought her a “free kiss” card, to compliment her “free hug from Britt” card from her limo exit last week. Chris is really letting the kisses fly, huh? Despite their magical time, though, it’s Kaitlyn and her jokes that wins the rose.

Cocktail party time! Whitney (the fertility nurse who I expect will go far because she has a real job and doesn’t seem to have any fame aspirations, which I would imagine Chris would be averse to) is up first, and she’s brought his favorite bottle of whiskey for a cute little toast.

The best part of the party, though, is Mackenzie learning that belly chain Ashley I. is a virgin. Mack is full of jealousy, because everyone knows that guys like to take girls’ virginities, and Chris is going to think that’s so hot.”I have a kid, I can’t even pretend.” she says, completely seriously. #neverchange

For her alone time, Ashley wants to make it clear that while she may be a virgin, she’s definitely down to have a good time/be a freak. She accomplishes this by having Chris rub her belly button ring and then straight up EATING HIS FACE. Seriously this might be the most graphic make out in 19 seasons of garbage.

The rest of the party goes by without incident, with Amber scoring a kiss and Jordan being eternally wasted.

ROSE CEREMONY: Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia, Amber, Tracy, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney and Ashley S. get roses. HAHA. I don’t care that it’s a producer plant, I’m so happy she’s sticking around. Really looking forward to some shots of her standing over other women’s sleeping bodies and confiding in inanimate objects.

That means that Tandra, Kimberly (again), Alissa, Jordan (too drunk to care) and Tara are sent home. Tara wins the award for saddest exit thus far, as she cries that she’s never anyone’s number one and that this will haunt her for the rest of her life. Woof. Iowa’s not that great, sister.

Next week! Jimmy Kimmel is going to be here? Sure, why not?

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“The Bachelorette” Season 10, Episode 11: Finally Finale

And there you have it. After 11 episodes and 23 grueling hours, Andi has a fiancé. That’s right, we have spent nearly an entire day watching this quest for love unfold.

So, what went down in this live finale event? Well, let’s start with the most important thing first. No, not that Josh Murray won the final rose, but rather that Nick V. announced on live, national television that he and Andi “made love” in the fantasy suite. Sad, scorned Nick, on his third attempt to get answers from Andi, almost immediately aired that dirty laundry like a boss. I mean, sure. We all know what’s going on in that hotel room. But still. To hear the phrase “made love” (is there nothing more uncomfortable?) and to watch Andi’s face drop at the realization that her entire extended family and her brand new fiancé are all hearing this as well was nothing short of amazing. On top of that, digging himself even further into a hold, Nick elaborates that Andi did “fiancé kinds of things” in the fantasy suite. LOLOL Andi’s a freak, ya’ll.


So, what else happened? Let’s be honest… it wasn’t that exciting. Both Nick and Josh met the family, both Nick and Josh were nervous, both Nick and Josh got Andi’s dad’s blessing to ask Andi to marry them. In their final date, Josh presented Andi with a professionally printed baseball card for “Andi Murray.” While I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the one billionth nod to Josh’s past as an athlete, the detail of listing her errors as “can’t dance” and “swears too much” was kind of cute. Plus, it’s not a story book full of drawings that look like they were penned by a four year old, but were in fact sketched by a 33-year-old man, so that’s a point in his favor.

The majority of Nick’s final date dealt with his fears, having already experienced one failed engagement. Andi listens, duck face a-blazing, and offers a mildly unconvincing “it’s gonna be all right.” He presents her with a necklace containing some sand from one of their first dates, which is sweet, but not quite as solid as Nick’s baseball card. SORRY.

So the next day, it’s time for Neil Lane to make his grand entrance. Oh Neil. Hello, old friend. First up is Josh, who picks an insanely huge diamond ring that looks like it would seriously be work to wear. Next up is Nick… OR IS IT?! Turns out that the person behind the knock is not our beloved Mr. Lane, but rather Andi, who is there to let Mr. Frontrunner go.

And so, after many tears from both Nick and Andi, here we are. Andi waits on her engagement platform for Josh, who begins his proposal by once again talking about baseball. Wouldn’t it have been great if Andi was like “lol nevermind” and just walked away? But alas, she is buying everything he is selling, and with some exchanged I love yous, the pair are engaged.

So, will these two crazy kids make it? They do have the advantage of being able to start a real relationship, not a long distance one, since they live a mere five minutes from one another. And given that same proximity, they were able to start seeing each other right away rather than waiting for however many weeks, so… maybe? Then again, this is The Bachelor franchise, so let’s not hold our breath.

It’s been a fun season, friends! Thanks for watching with me!


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“The Bachelorette” Season 10, Episode 10: The Men Tell All

Last night, the Men Told All, and it was mostly uneventful. Rather than torture myself with the monstrous task of recapping the many, many ways in which Andrew dug himself into a giant, racism-shaped hole (mixing up the only two people of color’s names? Seriously?), let’s run down some highlights.

  • Ashley and JP, how could you? My favorite Bachelorette couple betrayed me by letting an ultrasound technician (who I assume will be endlessly mocked by his colleagues) grease up Ashley’s belly and reveal the sex of the baby to the studio audience. At the very least, couldn’t we have done something a little more pinterest-y and a little less clinical for the reveal? Cut into a cake to reveal blue food coloring, open a box full of blue balloons, reveal Chris Bukowski wearing a blue bonnet and an “it’s a boy!” onesie (let’s be honest, that dude’s got nothing else going on)… the options are endless. Ashley, Jape. I expect more from you.
  • Tasteful accessories. All the men entered the studio wearing matching flouncy scarves, a nod to the atrocious fashion choices made by the men throughout the season.
  • Audience participation. Nick’s sneaky visit to the front desk to find out which room Andi was staying in by pretending to be her husband was one of the most egregiously producer-planted offenses to date. Until last night. “Excuse me, Chris?” the audience member said, from a conveniently within in frame seat, wearing professionally applied make up. “You’re not even mic-ed!” said Harrison, as he undoubtedly winked to the poor soul tasked with holding the boom mic just out of frame. This led to fraudience member Catherine getting a “speed date” with Chris during the break, and giving him her phone number – all of which was conveniently captured on camera. You see, ladies? Farmer Chris is desirable! Don’t you want to apply to date him on an upcoming season of The Bachelor?!??! 
  • Marquel still loves cookies, is the best. He wore a goddamn cookie on his lapel. He tossed black and white cookies into the audience. He was charming and funny in the hot seat and managed to keep his cool during the Andrew nonsense. #TEAMMARQUEL.
  • Prepare yourself for the greatest television event in the history of ever. The night was peppered with Chris saying things like “Marcus/Marquel/Cody, do you think you’d be open to finding love… IN PARADISE?!” As well as about a million extended promos in commercial breaks. As far as I can tell, Bachelor In Paradise is going to be 90% crying and 10% mortal peril and I. CANNOT. WAIT.


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“The Bachelorette” Season 10, Episode 9: What’s Your Fan-ta-ta-ta-sy

SEX DATES! SEX DATES! SEX DATES! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! As a reminder, this is really important to Andi because last time she went into the fantasy suites, Juan Pablo revealed that he was a practicing satanist and asked Andi if he could wear her skin as a poncho… Or something equally as appalling, I assume based on her reaction.

More wine

But before Andi can get to the business of exploring the bodies of her three remaining boyfriends, it’s time for a quick trip down memory lane. Josh has “dark hair, piercing eyes, olive skive, he’s tall, he’s built…” uh, Andi? Do you need some alone time? Save it for the suite! But despite all his amazing (physical) qualities, Andi’s concerned because he’s an athlete, is similar to guys she’s dated before and looks like he could be her brother. I may have added that last part. Then there’s Chris, who “has it all”… if only he lived literally anywhere else, and Nick who is “shy and skeptical” and also maybe a sociopath, but who Andi inexplicably has an insane physical chemistry with.

First up is Nick, who is already brimming over with anxiety about having to tell Andi that his feelings have upgraded from “falling” to full on capital L LOVE. They hop in a helicopter, and Andi condescends that she’s so happy that she can be there for his very first helicopter ride, as if it’s something that every person should have already accomplished by age 33.

Once they arrive at their private beach, Andi gets to the very fun business of interrogating Nick on just how much of a mess he was after his last break up. Andi seems satisfied with this admission of vulnerability (drink!) and gets to the cuddling. Nick attempts to drop the L bomb several times, each time less successful than the last, until he’s lying on the sand, stammering an incoherent sentence punctuated by a thousand awkward “ums” and “likes.”


At dinner, Nick has come with a hand made illustrated fairy tale story. Normally these aggressively nostalgic gifts are reserved for the final dates, but Nick works better with a script. He reads her the story, which rambles on for so long that I nodded off a few times. The story concludes with “Princess Andi” and stick figure Nick going into a “magical fantasy suite” and stick figure Nick professing his true feelings. Andi’s presentation of the actual fantasy suite card and her apparent excitement are enough to inspire real life Nick to follow stick figure Nick’s lead. He leads her away from the cameras (but only long enough for the camera men to roll their eyes, lift their equipment and quickly follow) and launches into a romcom style “I love you” speech. Andi is INTO it, and they make out in that perverse way that these two are known to do, before IMMEDIATELY kicking the crew out of the suite. It’s ON.

The next day, it’s Josh’s turn to romance Andi, and now that she’s gotten the present tense L bomb out of Nick, she’s expecting the same from Josh. The two spend their day shopping in a local outdoor market, where Josh uses his grasp on the Spanish language to secure some sort of herbal aphrodisiac that is known to “help men function.” In a surprising twist, both Andi and Josh publicly acknowledge that they are totally going to bang that night, as Josh says “she says thank you!” upon receiving the performance enhancer, and Andi echos her own “gracias!”


The date also includes some very cute dancing and some baseball with children, because heaven forbid we forget for even one second that Josh is an athlete. In a truly shocking moment, Josh tells Andi exactly what she wants to hear before the date is even halfway over, confidently telling her he loves her, and admitting that he’s never felt like this about anyone else. Sucks to be an ex of Josh’s!

At dinner, Andi tries very hard to come up with additional concerns, her original qualms having been thwarted with Josh’s lunchtime declaration of love. Is Josh ready for a family? Is he serious enough to settle down? Josh quickly shuts this down. You see, they just played a game of baseball with some producer-screened children in a completely controlled environment, which means that he and Andi are going to be great parents. Andi’s resolve is breaking as she realizes that she’s totally going to pick a jock from Atlanta who she could have absolutely met on PlentyOfFish.com. They make out and head to the pool for some hanky panky.

Poor Chris is definitely only still here because his family rules and because Marcus was too stupid to realize that a strip tease isn’t a good date for 10AM. He greets Andi, and they head to “Danger Ranch” (subtle, guys) for some horseback riding. Andi, desperately conveying that she is maybe not down for farm life, HATES the horses and spends the whole time looking super uncomfortable (“What’s happening? Why is he trotting?”).  When they get off the horses, they spend almost the entirety of the date talking about how great Chris’s family is, and then they play another round of Ghost in the Graveyard in broad daylight, because that’s how little these two have to talk about.


At dinner, again, Andi talks about how great Iowa was, because Chris’s family is maybe the only thing she likes about him. This is a natural segue into Chris getting a gut check on whether or not Andi actually wants to become the 759th person in his town. LOL nope. He knows how much of a transition it would be, and says multiple times that it would be difficult. Props to him for talking about this like it’s real life, even though she’s clearly not even entertaining the idea. Andi is rocking full on duck face and furrowed brow when Chris says that he is in love with her. The tears start flowing as Andi admits that it’s not happening. She says it’s not fair to say that it’s because of Iowa. Yes, Andi. Heaven forbid he think that this rejection isn’t personal. Chris, nice guy that he is, handles it extremely gracefully.

So this is it, Chris is being put out to pasture, ready to spend the next few months getting ready to be announced as the Bachelor, because that seems obvious. Speaking of, the only way I will be happy about that is if next season is set in Iowa and involves his prospective brides bailing hay and milking cows. Bonus points if all the women live in a house without electricity, Frontier House-style. And yes, I know that Chris lives in a giant house with all amenities and that he has people who do his farming for him and he is more of a business man than a farmer at this point but THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

And so it is, the final two are revealed. No surprises, no fanfare. Both Nick and Josh accept their roses, and we’re off to the races. Next week is the dreaded Men Tell All. Will Dylan address the personal hygiene controversy? Will Andrew and Patrick reveal that they’ve eloped and adopted a three legged cat? What kind of pants will JJ wear?! These are the questions people. These are the questions.

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“The Bachelorette” Season 10, Episode 8: Four Hometowns and a Funeral

UGH, hometowns. Based on the “tonight on The Bachelorette,” this is about to be really exhausting. Andi, unlike me, is full of optimism as she talks about how incredible all four guys are, and how excited she is for this next step.

Nick is up first, and he’s brought Andi to the Milwaukee Public Market, his “most favorite place in the city.” OH for fuck’s sake. Most favorite? Seriously? They shop around and then go to a brewery, and this actually seems like a pretty fun date, but I’m not forgiving Nick for adding a qualifier to an absolute.


Nick brings Andi to his parents’ house, where she meets his mom, dad, sister, sister’s fiance, other sister, other sister’s boyfriend, yet another sister, brother, brother’s wife, another brother, another two sisters and a very cute dog. Missing from this brood is another brother, because Nick’s mom has a uterus that cannot be stopped.

One of the sisters, let’s not even try to figure out which, pulls Nick aside first. He confirms that he loves Andi, and reassures sister 1 that he knows he can be himself with her. The fact that she felt the need to ask this question reinforces my belief that Nick might be kind of a nightmare. When she asks if Andi makes him laugh, he replies, “she just makes me smile,” hahahaha Andi sucks at jokes.

That same sister then goes to Andi, and the two have a pretty boring conversation. Suffice it to say that if you were taking a drink every time someone said the word “vulnerable,” you’d be having way more fun than the viewing public.

Nick’s littlest sister is up next, and she is very cute and whips out some pre written questions, including “do you truly love Nick.” Throughout this fun-sized interrogation, Andi throws around a lot of BS about their mental connection and how she great she thinks Nick is. Later, the little sister tells Nick that Andi said that she loved him… or maybe liked him, who can really be sure? Oh, BELLA! You little pot stirrer! You were made for reality television!



Nick’s mom looks so sad as Nick gushes about how much he loves Andi, saying that he feels like she’s a part of him that has been missing. Through tears, she says she hopes he’s prepared to get sent home. Nick puts on the half smile that he always wears when he’s about to be annoying and tells his mom “I think I’m her favorite.”

Next up, Andi is visiting Chris in Arlington, Iowa, a town with a population of 758. He describes his town as “pretty simple,” and hopes that Andi’s on board since he’s not looking to move any time soon. Andi lies in her interview that she’s open to Iowa.

Andi is shokced to see Chris’s big house that he doesn’t share with anyone. The rest of the day may as well be a montage from The Simple Life, as Andi oohs and ahhs over Chris’s ability to operate heavy machinery and wear a quilted vest.


Once they settle in for a picnic, Andi asks what kind of work she could do in Arlington, since Chris is obvi not leaving. He jokingly says that being a homemaker is always an option (thanks for the fake out, promo), but then says that there are enough people in the town that they could figure something out. Well, based on Chris’s checkered past, it sounds like there’s plenty of criminal activity in Arlington. Maybe she could just be on retainer to represent him? Andi assures Chris that she’s not as much of a city girl as she looks like since her family has a lake house somewhere (sure, that counts) and then Chris has someone fly a plane with a banner saying “Chris loves Andi!” streaming from the back.

Later on, Andi meets Chris’s dad, mom, and three sisters and their husbands. Chris’s family is really nice, and his sisters spend their time with Andi talking about how great their brother is, rather than grilling Andi, which is refreshing and how most people would act when meeting a potential significant other of a family member.

Chris and his mom sit down for a chat, and when he brings up the concern about Andi moving to Iowa, she reminds him that she was once a city girl herself. His mom talks about all the opportunities that exist and how she’s proof that you can be fulfilled in a small town. Misleading promos aside, I am happy to report that not one person in this family seems to believe that Andi would be down to be a housewife, and that her finding professional satisfaction (whether that’s as a lawyer or a contestant on Dancing With The Stars) seems to be at the top of everyone’s mind.

Chris’s mom then sits down with Andi, and almost immediately talks about how good looking Andi and Chris’s baby would be. She’s not wrong. Mom lays it on thick, telling Andi that she already loves her and regaling her with tales of an idealistic place where one can have both a career and a family and the sun is always shining and the birds are always singing and money grows on trees and that place is Arlington, Iowa.


After dinner and some drinks, the family goes out to play some sort of hide and seek game out in the fields, because this is apparently a thing that they regularly do after a dinner party. Well, I don’t know about Andi, but I’m sold on Iowa.

Next, Andi has traveled to Josh’s hometown of Tampa, FL. To kick things off, Josh is taking Andi to a baseball field, because heaven forbid we go one minute without remembering that JOSH IS AN ATHLETE, DAMMIT.

After Andi hits the ball a few times, she and Josh sit down so that he can pretend that his baseball career was much more impressive than it was. He talks about walking away from baseball so that he could be there for his brother. SO HONORABLE! Couldn’t possibly be that after five years of playing on a farm team for the Brewers and never getting pulled up it was just time to move on? Anyway, the brother is trying to get drafted into the NFL, and Andi does not seem pleased about the possibility of entering into a family where she might not be the center of attention.

Andi, upon entering the Murray home.

Andi, upon entering the Murray home.

At the house, we meet Josh’s mom, dad, sister and brother. Andi definitely looks like she could be another sibling in this family, just saying. Oh, also, there’s a really awesome dog named Sable who Josh adores and that makes me like him more.

At dinner, after a very nice toast welcoming Andi, Josh’s brother starts to tell him about all the meetings that have been happening leading into the draft. Andi’s annoyed that no one is fawning over her. Because, you know, how dare this family catch up on massive events that have happened since their son has been barricaded away on a reality tv island. Jesus, Andi.

Throughout the conversations with Josh’s mom and dad, Andi realizes that part of being with Josh would mean spending a lot of time watching Aaron’s football games. Well, yeah. She brings up this concern with all parties except Josh, because that’s a productive start to a relationship.

Josh and his mom talk, and she quickly says how in love he seems. He tears up as she tells him that after so many years of putting himself last, she’s glad to see him going after something that makes him happy. She interviews that she knows that Josh is ready to make his wife a priority. Tell that to Andi, lady.

Finally, Andi talks to the brother, and he talks about how exciting it is that Josh is starting his life, and this is apparently enough for Andi to believe that he’ll make a good husband. Again, really glad that this whole conflict and resolution happened without EVER speaking to Josh about it. Fairy tales!

Finally, we’re in Dallas for Marcus’s turn. For the first time, Andi admits in interview that she’s not quite sure that she can catch up to Marcus’s feelings, since he started saying he was in love with her after knowing her for approximately two minutes.

Marcus picks Andi up and takes her to… a strip club… so that he can strip for her. Because of their first date? Remember? So romantic! Luckily, Andi is all about it, saying how hot she thinks Marcus is about a thousand times. This relationship is simple: Marcus loves Andi, Andi loves Marcus’s body. How could that ever go wrong?



That night, Andi meets Marcus’s mom, brother and sister… I think there might have been someone else there, but if they were they didn’t get screen time so let’s move on. It’s been a long night, I’m losing track. Pretty quickly, Marcus’s sister pulls Andi aside, and they talk about how he has a history of over caring. The sister asks if that bugs Andi, and again she mentions being worried about catching up to his feelings. Uh oh! Methinks things are heading south for Magic Marcus.

Marcus’s mom, despite the rather tumultuous past, seems to have gotten to a good place with her son. Andi may not love him, but mom does. She tells Marcus that she trusts him and is proud of him. Before Andi can get out of Dallas, Marcus declares his love yet again, because overkill is his bag.

So. Here it is. The moment no one has been looking forward to. The final four men and Andi descend upon Chris Harrison’s home to learn that Eric Hill has been in an accident and has passed away. This whole thing is just terrible. It’s terrible to watch these people find out that someone they knew died. It’s terrible to watch the tiniest flicker of an eye roll cross over Nick’s eyes when Marcus walks out of the room and Andi goes after him. It’s terrible to realize that you’re looking for a reaction like that in a moment like this, but that’s what this show is. After some close ups on everyone, the camera goes shaky as it’s put to the ground, and a stationary shot from the floor captures the cast and crew grieving together, with Andi sobbing about their final conversation into the shoulder of a producer as everyone takes turns holding one another. It feels like an intrusion on a private moment, and it’s very uncomfortable and extremely sad to watch, and that’s probably exactly why the powers that be chose to invite the crew and all their cameras to capture it. Because ratings. Ugh.

So, the show must go on. There’s a rose ceremony, and there are even more tears than usual, and Marcus is sent home, regretting his many declarations of love.

Next week, we’ll pretend none of this ever happened and move merrily on to sex dates.


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